| Not Applicable | |
| Season 1, Episode 1 | |
| Air date | February 23, 2014 |
| Written by | ChromastoneandTabby |
| Directed by | ChromastoneandTabby |
| Episode Guide | |
| Previous N/A (LOL) |
Next Humans? What Humans? |
Never Met a Laser I Didn't Like is the first episode of Not Applicable.
Script[]
OPENING SHOT
[Zooms in on an alley in a large city. Camera focuses on Napoleon sitting against a wall eating a taco and Herculian sitting against the opposite wall with his arms crossed]
Napoleon: [Finishes eating] "Well, that's actually pretty handy. Who would've guessed that the Swiss ArmyTrix-"
Herculian: "Swarm 1."
Napoleon: "-Swiss ArmyTrix could make tacos?
Herculian: [Rolls eyes] "You're in control of the most advanced nanobots out there, and you use them to make Mexican food? You might want to sort out your priorities."
Napoleon: "You have something against Mexicans?"
Herculian: "That's not what-"
Napoleon: "Are you racist?"
Herculian: "Why would I be-"
Napoleon: "Eh, I guess it's no big deal. Everyone's a little bit racist."
Herculian: "I'M NOT-"
Napoleon: "Except me, of course."
Herculian: "You have got to be kidd-"
Napoleon: "I accept everybody just the way they are: Not nearly as amazing as I am."
[Herculian and Napoleon stare at each other]
Herculian: "..."
Napoleon: "..."
Herculian: "...I...I have no words."
Napoleon: "I do tend to have that effect on people."
[Large explosion sound is heard, along with light flashing down the alley]
Napoleon: "What was that?"
Herculian: "I have no idea. We should probably-"
Napoleon: "Go check it out? Great idea!" [Jumps up and starts running out of the alley]
Herculian: [Starts running after Napoleon] "That is the exact opposite of what I had in mind! Get back here, you idiot!"
[Scene cuts to large street in the middle of the city. A large spider-shaped mech is using a laser cannon to demolish buildings. People are running, screaming, and generally panicking, as per usual.]
Napoleon: [Skids to a halt] "Dude! Mech! Laser! Shooting things! Do you know what this means?!"
Herculian: [Runs up beside Napoleon] "Ooooh no. Napoleon. No."
Napoleon: "Ooooh yes!"
Herculian: "NO."
Napoleon: "Ooooh ye-eees!"
Heculian: "DON'T YOU DARE-"
Napoleon: [To mech] "YO! ARACHNAFACE!"
[Mech swings around to face them, focusing it's laser cannon]
Herculian: [incredulously] "...You...You moron!"
Napoleon: "It's called taking initiative. You should try it sometime."
Laser Cannon Spider Mech: "Just who on Earth are you?"
Napoleon: [Points at mech] "Just who do you think I am?! I'm Napoleon Eldridge! The reputation of my ultimate greatness spreads unbridled horror into the hearts of all the wicked and vile evildoers of the universe!"
Herculian: "You are literally a 15 year old alley hobo, you moron! What is wrong with you?!"
LCSM: "That was a rhetorical question. I don't care who you are, you pathetic human! I have been sent to destroy your civilizations and ravage this land as if I were a plague! Prepare for destruction!"
Napoleon: "Destroy THIS! Boomerang Shades, GOOOOOO!!!" [Hurls sunglasses]
[Sunglasses proceed to bounce off the mech and fall to the ground with a rather pathetic *tink*]
LCSM: "..."
Napoleon: "Hahaha! Your paint has now been scratched! What are you going to do now?! Hahahaha!"
LCSM: "...I am really going to enjoy killing you."
[Laser cannon fires; the beam is countered by a reflective shield]
Herculian: [With hand transformed into shield] "Look, while I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I'm afraid this idiot dying would interfere with my mission. So, if you could ever so kindly move on to destroying someone else, I would be most appreciative."
Napoleon: "Hold on a second, Herc! I have an idea!"
Herculian: [Slowly turns head to look at Napoleon] "Napoleon...you...****ing...clod..."
Napoleon: "Hear me out dude! And by that, I of course mean GO ARM CANNON!"
LCSM: "Oh, and I suppose this will be another absolute failure of a-"
[Large energy cannon is formed on Napoleon's right arm]
LCSM: "...Still not a threat."
Napoleon: "Like crap it isn't! My arm cannon vaporizes any barrier that I might come across! EAT THIS!"
[Arm cannon shoots a purple beam, slicing the mech's laser cannon in half]
LCSM: "Gah! Impossible! No ordinary human has access to that level of technology! Activating energy shields!"
Napoleon: "Well then, good thing I'm no ordinary human! GO, FLAMING SWORD OF JUSTICE!"
[The arm cannon dissipates, replaced with a large flaming sword attatched to Napoleon's arm at the wrist]
LCSM: "Foolish human! Anything that touches my energy shield is instantly dissolved! There's no way you could break through!"
Napoleon: "We'll see about that! HI-YAH!"
[Sword dissolves upon hitting shield]
Napoleon: "Oh."
Herculian: "Napoleon, we should probably run."
LCSM: "As if I'd let you escape! Since I don't have my laser cannon anymore, I'll just have to ram you instead!"
[The mech starts backing up]
Herculian: "Okay, that's it! We are leaving! NOW!"
Napoleon: "Hold on! I have an idea! It's crazy, but it just might work!"
Herculian: "What?! What idea would be worth getting ourselves killed over!"
Napoleon: "That's the thing! We're NOT going to die! You know why that is? Because I'm going to transform!"
Herculian: "...Excuse me?"
Napoleon: "You heard me! I'm going to use the Swiss ArmyTrix to transform into something that can get us out of this mess!"
Herculian: "You have got to be kidding me! Why would that even be a capability of Swarm 1?! Why would you even think that it could be?! There's no possible way that-"
Napoleon: "GO, TRANSFORMATION! LET'S DO THIS!"
[Napoleon throws his sunglasses up in the air and becomes covered by a bright light. The light twists around, eventually forming a humanoid shape. The light fades to reveal a seemingly robotic being, as he snatches his sunglasses out of the air and somehow attatches them to his face]\
Sludgehammer: TIME FOR ROUND TWO, BABY! BUT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT JUST UP AGAINST THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN IN HISTORY! YOU'RE UP AGAINST THE TITAN OF POISON, SLUDGEHAMMER!
Herculian: [Staring in disbelief] "Did...did you just break the laws of physics just to tick me off?"
LCSM: "You think this matters?! You're still dead, no matter what!"
[The mech starts charging at Sludgehammer and Napoleon]
Sludgehammer: "CHEMICAL SHOT!" [Shoots liquid at the mech's shield, causing crackling and a large explosion, breaking the energy field]
LCSM: [Freezes in place] "Impossible! How did do that?!"
Sludgehammer: "I just shot a mixture at you that had a ton of flourine in it. The resulting stress the reaction placed on your shield was too much for your shield generator to handle, shorting it out! Science, glitch!"
LCSM: "You're starting to be more trouble than you're worth! Take THIS!" [Shoots a leg at Sludgehammer]
Sludgehammer: "IT CAN'T BREAK THIS FIST!"
[Sludgehammer raises his fist into the path of the rocket-leg, deflecting it into the sky]
LCSM: "What the-?!"
Herculian: "You do realize that's probably going to hit someone else at some point, right?"
Sludgehammer: "NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! SLEDGEHAMMER PUUUUNCH!"
[Sludgehammer proceeds to ram the mech with his fist with such force that it gets brutally carved in two]
Sludgehammer: "Next time, try thinking ahead before attacking the most amazing person in existance, man"
[Mech explodes in a huge fireball seen throughout the city]
Sludgehammer: "It never really ends well for ya."
Characters[]
- Napoleon Eldridge
- Herculian
- Laser Cannon Spider Mech
Aliens Used[]
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