I have some new info on my projects coming out on this week's main blog for Fanon Con but don't expect me to recover enough to actually follow through with them.
Fall Fanon Con 2018 is officially underway and underwhelming so far.
This whole Drawtober thing has been leading me to a realization I've been trying to ignore for a long time, but I think I have to face the music here. I'm losing my ability to draw in the same manner as I lost my ability to write. Soon I'm not going to be good for anything.
People don't care about my art anymore and I can't blame them for that in all honesty. It's disappointing, yes, but it's nobody's obligation to spend their time ogling mediocre garbage, and to suggest otherwise seems selfish.
I haven't improved my art in any significant way since 2017, and beyond just stagnating, I'm actively degenerating despite my best efforts. Severe depression will quite literally destroy every valuable portion of your being and leave you as an empty husk, and I don't think a lot of people realize that. People who say "just stop thinking so negatively" or "have you tried yoga" or some such nonsense are frankly naive to the fact that this is an actual disease that can end up killing you (not that I'd mind that at this point).
I don't think I have a point to this beyond just venting so moving on
I'm still managing to keep up with Drawtober, surprisingly enough. Granted we're only about a week in, but frankly, I thought I'd be dead by this point, so I'd say it's still impressive from my point of view.
I don't really like ranting about my depression in the Gazette every week but idk where else to do it since my parents aren't hella reliable for this stuff and my friends all have their own issues to deal with.
Also my therapist keeps wanting to put me in a psych ward so hell if I'm telling her about everything.
I've put up the thread for the third Spooktober Horror Contest. The prize this time is a copy of Outlast 2 for Steam. Note that I will be canceling the contest if there are not at least ten participants due to the more spendy nature of the prize. We got more than ten people signing up last year, so I don't think it's an unreasonable number.
I'm taking part in an Inktober variant called "Drawtober" that's entirely Halloween-themed. You can see find my submissions for Drawtober 2018 on my Twitter and DA page.
Something I may have announced on the wiki's Discord but not here is that I will be ending the Gazette with Issue 100. I don't want it to just flounder out of existence at some point down the road and I think 100 is a damn good issue count to end on. That said, I am planning on creating a spiritual successor to the Gazette tentatively titled "This Week in CaT" hosted in a video format on YouTube. This video series would differ in that I wouldn't be restricted to talking about the wiki and Ben 10 stuff, so I'd have more free reign over what I want to present.
My body does not like working with antidepressants. I don't mean that as in I get bad side-effects, I mean that as in literally nothing happens most of the time. On the off-chance a given antidepressants does work, it only works for a day or two before my body adjusts to the dose and it stops affecting me.
So, what happens when they do work for that day or two? Frankly, it's more depressing than if it just never worked. I get a glimpse of the person buried under the disease; the motivated optimist who could do anything he set his mind to. The person I used to be.
I say it's more depressing when that happens because it just rubs in the fact that I'll never be that person again. It reopens the wound, so to speak. Old CaT is never coming back. The depression's set in too far at this point. It'll probably end up killing me eventually, not that this is anything new. I just hate being reminded of how far I've degraded.
I'll be holding another Spooktober Halloween contest this year, with a video game as the prize again. Expect details on that October 1st.
Overflow Fest ends after tomorrow, so now's the time to get out any last-minute projects.
I rewatched Kamen Rider Build with my sister over the past week. At the start of it, she was determined to say that Ex-Aid was the better series, but by the end of Build she was saying, quote, "Ex-Aid Whomst?", which is a completely understandable reaction.
As for what I thought of it, I already made it known I thought Build was a 10/10 series when it first finished airing. Of course, rewatching things usually leads me to see more of the flaws and bump down my opinions on them, as is what happened with me and Ex-Aid. So what's my opinion on Build now, especially since I've read a lot more of the criticisms directed towards it from other people?
11/10 fight me in the streets
I swear to god Build was meant to be rewatched via binging I mean holy shit it's so goddamn good. Watching it weekly made it feel like there were some pacing problems, but watching it all at once you realize it flows like a movie (which makes sense since the writer is a movie director) and everything just clicks. Knowing where the plot's headed lets you catch small details you wouldn't have noticed the first time around, and I don't mean just in regards to the plot (although there are plenty of those details there yes and they're all fantastic), I mean in regards to acting and sound design and cinematography too. Holy shit the cinematography in Build is so good and the characters are all great and the character development is wonderful and the plot is engaging and the suits are amazing and the theming is incredible and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa IT'S THE TRANSFORMING HERO SHOW MY HEART HAS YEARNED FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH
yeah this is a bit different from my usual depression rants in the Editorial but sue me I get to like things too
This newsletter discusses issues of depression and suicide. If these topics are uncomfortable for you, it may be wise to skip out on this one. Reader discretion is advised.
Thot Patrol Alpha, Engage!
In light of recent events, I'm adding a warning to the top of the Gazette whenever I talk about heavy subjects. If you're a long-time subscriber this will be kind of redundant, but it's there just in case.
I finally got a new phone after god knows how many years. It's weird actually having battery life now.
Nothing of note.
What a shitshow I am, eh? Totally lost my ability to write and my will to live; hell, even my interest in art is almost non-existent lately. I worked as hard as I could for years to develop my art and writing. What a waste of time that turned out to be. Nowadays all I can pull off is shitting on other people's hard work, not that anyone seems to mind that I'm no longer contributing creative content of my own. The reason it's so easy for me to shit on things is because I'm a depressed cynical bastard who can't see the good in damn near anything and is really really good at picking out the bad. I'm a one-trick pony, and I'm getting tired of putting on this show.
If you only met me recently and went back to 2016 to compare past and present me, you'd wonder if I was even the same person. I was energetic, helpful, nice to a fault (truthfully to several faults), and I'd always have your back. I made consistent content and I was doing something with my ideas, flawed as they were. Now look at me. I'm a miserable prick who can't accomplish jack shit and I spend most of my days trying to distract myself from the increasingly loud voice in the back of my mind telling me to just die already. Everything hurts and it feels like I'm constantly getting run over by a never-ending line of trucks.
My therapist today kept trying to convince me to put myself in a psych ward. My psychologist apparently described my current mental state as "dangerous". That's nice and all but I'd rather not voluntarily check into nutjob prison thanks. Even if I had the slightest will to do so, I absolutely do not have the time because of my work schedule. Heck off.
My job takes up about 1/3 of my day max but it feels like my entire life revolves around it. Every day I wake up dreading work, then I go into work and hate every minute of it, then I spend the rest of the day dreading going back the next day, and the cycle just repeats like that ad infinitum. God I want to die. But I have to make money to pay bills. Bills that only apply because I'm alive to use the things I'm paying for. So if I killed myself, that solves both of those problems right there.
Of course, suicide is something I love to fantasize about, but realistically speaking, I doubt I'll ever go through with it. I wish I could. I just want this to end already. Everything hurts (physically and emotionally). I'm tired. I want to go home. But there's no such thing as "home", at least not in this regard. "Home" is just a vague concept my brain throws together to try and make sense of how empty I feel by assigning the emptiness to something that is physically not present and in reality doesn't even exist. There is no "home" for me.
I have no coping mechanisms. I envy people who do. I used to. Then the depression took those away too.
I'm surrounded by shit I bought to try and make myself feel better but it still feels like I have nothing.
I wish I didn't need attention. If I still had anything resembling passion left in my body I might be fine with people ignoring me. As it stands I constantly need external validation to keep me going.