It feels weird actually finishing a massive project like this, you know? I've always had trouble letting things end and moving on to something new, but hey, here we are. One more thing behind me, one more piece of my life free for me to move on with, I suppose.
Calvin and Hobbes predicts me writing this Gazette
Timeking is the secondary villain featured in Project Deca's upcoming Ben 10 Team Tennyson tribute alongside Veggie King, whose redesign I featured in last week's Gazette. Keep your eyes peeled for more info on that in Winter Fanon Con.
CaT Quits Tech 10 Forever?!(Gone Wrong)(Gone Sexy)(Gone Wild)(In the Hood)(2018)(NOT CLICKBAIT)(See Editorial for details)
God damn, this is the second-to-last issue of The CaT Gazette. Frankly, when I started this, I had no idea or plans for how far it would go. It was just something I did because every other newsletter was abandoned and it seemed like people were still interested in the concept. I pretty much abandoned the Gazette myself for a while after Issue 68, but my therapist convinced me to get it going again to do something productive, and the rest is history.
Eventually, I decided to choose a proper issue number to officially end the newsletter on instead of letting it drift slowly into the void. 100 seemed far enough away but still within reason, and I guess I must have been right about that since we're just about there. I'm not going to act like this stupid Gazette really meant anything to anyone, but I am satisfied with it as a project (for once). It's sort of a reflection of my own character changes through the past couple of years, and it can be interesting to contrast the earlier and later issues of its run.
I've changed the theme for the holiday season. I tried adding snow effects to the background in GIMP but it made the file way too big for Wikia, so I settled for adding the CSS snow drifting across the screen.
So last night I was working on writing the Ultimatrix Unleashed Imaginate movie (shocking, I know, especially since I only announced it as an art project) when I came to a realization of sorts.
What the hell am I doing?
I complain about how Star Spirit has taken up the past three years for me, but then I turn around and work on a series that's been over for eight years ON TOP OF still smacking more shit on top of Star Spirit? What the actual shit am I going to get out of this? Satisfaction? Of course not! I never let myself be satisfied. I can't just let flawed things be flawed, no no no, I have to go in and add a whole bunch of "fixes" that really just make everything more complicated for me, and by the end of it all, the new product isn't even a refined version of the story, it's just straight-up a whole new story that only relates to the original enough to make it feel tired and overdone despite the entirely new content.
I've talked about my perfectionism before, and this is just an extension of that, I think. I can't just let go of things, I have to put myself in a rut over and over again to fix what I don't like; thing is, it's never going to be fixed. By the time I finish any part of a project, I'll have grown from the experience of working on it, and suddenly the project is "beneath" a satisfactory threshold and I want to start all over again. That cycle is just gonna keep haunting me forever if I go on as-is, and as tough as it might be to suck it up, I need to do something about it.
No more revisions. No more reboots. No more of any of that. I finished Tech 10 with Star Spirit, and as much as I don't like how it turned out, I've got to let it go. I know I left the story leading it into the revisions that aren't coming, but I plan to undo that with Project Deca. I'll tell you this right now: the Star Spirit tribute episode of Project Deca will wrap up Tech 10 forever. No more games. No more gimmicks. I'm putting my foot down in front of myself, right here and right now. It's time for it to end, and time for me to move on.
I'm still hammering out the details of the YouTube show that will replace the Gazette, but I'm fairly set on calling it "CaTscratch" and making it a variety show to mirror the different sections of the Gazette. Specific sections I'm considering are:
A short introductory segment where I mention a few things that'll be brought up in later segments.
Similar to the Gazette's "Happenings" section. Includes whatever art I drew the past week, absorbing the "Art Corner" section.
I give my opinion on something.
I talk about Kamen Rider and maybe Sentai sometimes.
A short review of pretty much anything.
Fanfiction Storytime With CaT
I read/riff a short highlight of a given fanfiction (not just Ben 10 fanfiction mind you).
A short segment that concludes the video with some variant of telling everyone to screw off for the day.
The wiki turned nine this past Wednesday which means we can finally subscribe to PewDiePie.
It occurs to me that if Article 13 goes into effect as-is, every fanfiction wiki, including this one, is probably going to get taken down. I heavily doubt Wikia is willing to go through the trouble of segregating Europeans from everyone else, so they'll probably just adhere to the lowest common denominator globally and shut everyone down.
Complain about America's stupidity all you want but hey at least we didn't break literally everything for everyone
Adderall started working for like a day and then stopped I am so goddamn angry right now
My birthday's tomorrow. I'll be turning 20. SHIT I just realized I forgot to thaw the marinara for the Pizza Rippers at work tomorrow AND I forgot to order more Pepperoni Pizza Rippers on time to get them in tomorrow. I'll have to slap together some marinara from scratch and put some pepperoni slices on the NUMEROUS Cheese Pizza Rippers we have. Wouldn't be such an issue if there wasn't a pain-in-the-ass time limit to all this. Goddammit.
But uh yeah birthday time whee. Gazette's colors are blue and gold for this issue because those are my favorite colors irl fight me.
I think I have enough of Project Deca's first episode done to release a decent-size scene preview for the wiki's anniversary.
Ghostfreak Fest ends tomorrow so get your last-minute Ghostfreak stuff in I guess.
Everyone needs to stop losing their minds over the Netflix reboot She-Ra having small tiddy and go watch the actual goddamn show because A: it's good, and B: it is a goddamn rogue's gallery of top-tier waifus holy shit.
I managed to write 1000 words of the first Star Spirit Imaginate episode. Too bad it's barely half of the introductory scene.
I want to commit not alive.
In other news, my 20th birthday is coming up next Monday. It seems like a lot of people treat turning 20 as something special because you're no longer a teenager, but functionally speaking, nothing changes. Still can't drown myself in alcohol, get back to me in twelve months.
I'm up from taking two medications to taking three medications, with the newest one being Adderall. I haven't taken any as of yet because there's a specific schedule to it, but I should know in a few days whether it's doing anything to help me or not.
I have some new info on my projects coming out on this week's main blog for Fanon Con but don't expect me to recover enough to actually follow through with them.
Fall Fanon Con 2018 is officially underway and underwhelming so far.
This whole Drawtober thing has been leading me to a realization I've been trying to ignore for a long time, but I think I have to face the music here. I'm losing my ability to draw in the same manner as I lost my ability to write. Soon I'm not going to be good for anything.
People don't care about my art anymore and I can't blame them for that in all honesty. It's disappointing, yes, but it's nobody's obligation to spend their time ogling mediocre garbage, and to suggest otherwise seems selfish.
I haven't improved my art in any significant way since 2017, and beyond just stagnating, I'm actively degenerating despite my best efforts. Severe depression will quite literally destroy every valuable portion of your being and leave you as an empty husk, and I don't think a lot of people realize that. People who say "just stop thinking so negatively" or "have you tried yoga" or some such nonsense are frankly naive to the fact that this is an actual disease that can end up killing you (not that I'd mind that at this point).
I don't think I have a point to this beyond just venting so moving on
I'm still managing to keep up with Drawtober, surprisingly enough. Granted we're only about a week in, but frankly, I thought I'd be dead by this point, so I'd say it's still impressive from my point of view.
I don't really like ranting about my depression in the Gazette every week but idk where else to do it since my parents aren't hella reliable for this stuff and my friends all have their own issues to deal with.
Also my therapist keeps wanting to put me in a psych ward so hell if I'm telling her about everything.