Watch Kamen Rider Build already you summer school rejects.
I did not end up going to Japan last week because I managed to un-autism myself just in time to avoid traveling. Some people might ask why the hell I would do that because they think all vacations are le epic XD but I will expand on why that opinion is garbage and why you are garbage for having it in the Editorial.
I didn't even think it was possible for me to be even more suicidal than I have been but every day this past week has been an exercise in proving myself wrong on that front. At this point my days consist of half sitting on my ass in front of my computer and half sleeping. My parents keep telling me if I sleep too much during the day I won't be able to sleep at night but the joke's on them because my [Severe Depression] grants me the superpower of endless fatigue and I am thus never not tired enough to fall unconscious. The real issue is trying to stay awake for any significant period of time.
If you want more specifics on my mood lately I can just copy and paste my statements on Discord here because really nothing's changed as far as those go.
I wish I had an actual reason to live beyond just the fear of death Okay let me rephrase that I wish I had any means of appreciating the numerous reasons to live that are currently completely [h*ck]ing neutered by my [h*ck]ing useless piece of shit brain I want to [h*ck]ing die every single second of every single day but I don't want to be like this I just want to be [h*ck]ing normal and function like an actual human being instead of just some useless misery generator Every time I manage to work up the energy to do something I used to enjoy it never feels worth it by the end of it If anything I end up feeling ten times worse because I'm completely drained and have nothing of lasting value to show for it Oh boy I wrote something? Who gives a shit it's not something anyone cares about reading Oh boy I drew something? Fantastic now people can ogle it for two seconds before moving on to something actually of worth Oh boy I played a video game? Great now I just have to recuperate from the extra stress that gave me that isn't worth the measly amount of time I managed to waste I don't know why I even bother talking about this shit It's not like anyone can actually help me Every therapist I've ever been to has been [h*ck]ing useless My meds never [h*ck]ing work I'm not depressed because there's some underlying psychological cause I'm depressed because I was [h*ck]ing born wrong why the [h*ck] am I spilling my guts about this shit on a [h*ck]ing Ben 10 Fan Fiction server oh yeah it's because if I do it in real life I'd probably be involuntarily hospitalized [h*ck] me dude
I know I've said this before but legitimately why am I still alive All I do is sit around all day trying not to kill myself My only value as a person is existing for the sole sake of other people not feeling bad that I'm gone
I don't know why I bother bringing this stuff up. Nobody can help me with it and I just make everyone around me feel depressed and awkward. Sorry for dumping this stuff on you guys.
The suggestions thread to extend Alien Fests to two weeks has been approved and will go into effect starting with the next Alien Fest.
Alright, buckle up buckaroos, because Papa CaT is about to learn you a thing. Specifically, traveling sucks donkey ass and everyone who gives me shit for not liking it is a piece of shit moron.
Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but seriously, constantly being told to like something that causes me objective misery in real life gets really goddamn old after a while.
I am of the opinion that the reason people like vacations is because, for most, they are extremely rare occasions, and thus, are worth all the hassle involved in going on one. For me, on the other hand, my dad works for an airline and my mom is a travelholic, and so I got dragged along on vacations all the goddamn time growing up. When you do something that requires a ridiculous amount of planning and stress to manage correctly over and over and over, it gradually stops being fun and just gets absolutely miserable.
A lot of people seem to be under the impression that a vacation is supposed to be "relaxing". For some people, this may very well be the case. For me, my vacations consist of:
Overly careful packing
An overbearing mother that can't calm the hell down about anything
Getting to the airport way earlier than necessary and having to wait with absolutely nothing to do for hours
I spent most of my life without a portable gaming console or phone of any kind so I'm not exaggerating here
Getting on the plane and sitting with absolutely nothing to do for hours but this time in the air
Running around trying to get the rental car situation in order
Waiting around for our hotel to get their shit together before we could check in
Trying to adjust to jet lag
Getting dragged around doing shit 24/7 the entire vacation because as stated before my mother can't calm the hell down
Note that pretty much none of this shit is actually anything I'm interested in doing which is kind of impressive given the sheer amount of shit I get dragged around to
Steps 1-7 again but this time in reverse.
OH BOY GEE WILLIKERS WASN'T THAT FUN?!?!?! IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE A SINGLE PART OF THAT VACATION THEN YOU'RE JUST AN UNGRATEFUL BRAT! ALL OF IT WAS AMAZING! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT TOO BAD KILL YOURSELF! WOOHOO!!!!1!
Yeah so anyways screw vacations and screw everyone who says I should like them you can all eat my entire ass
Alright I've been going back and remastering the shading on some of my newer art pieces for a project called "Imaginate". What in the everloving tom[h*ck] is Imaginate? That's what my presentation on Discord this Friday night at 8PM MST/10PM EST is for telling you so just wait for that you impatient [h*ck]s.
Ben 10 News
We finally got that Alien Worlds short on Shock Rock.
Well, it's better than nothing.
From what I can tell, Shock Rock's species is basically run by warlords that assemble armies to conquer shit. I could be wrong since I don't speak Commie, but that's what it looks like on the surface level.
Well, that's it for today, folks. I hope you enjoyed the seventy-sixth issue of The CaT Gazette! Feedback and support are appreciated!
I'm going to be in Japan for most of this week. I'm leaving on Tuesday, arriving there on Wednesday, and flying back home on Saturday. Assuming everything works out as planned, that is. If all goes well, I should still be putting out a Gazette next week.
On another note I should probably be doing something to celebrate the Gazette reaching 75 issues but honestly I didn't even expect to still be alive at this point so let's just call me not killing myself the 75 issue celebration
Why the hell am I going to Japan I brought it up as a possibility this morning and my parents thought that meant I was going and they got excited and I was too autistic to correct them then the next thing I know I'm booked for traveling to Japan even though I'm on a tight budget over the summer why the hell did I agree to traveling I hate traveling shit shit shit shit
Decided to load you bois up on some material to help you write good shit for the Fanon Con competitions.
A detailed documentation of the path leading to my eventual suicide.
Got me a new med dosage but even if it works it'll take anywhere from 2-4 weeks to actually kick in so haha hey get ready for more depression for a while.
Since I stepped back from the ReVise (specifically Star Spirit), I realized the problem I was having with it: I wasn't thinking about myself. I was just writing a story based on technical details that would make a good, coherent read based on the original storyline, and while that's all well and good, it doesn't work out that well for passion projects the way I was going about it. I finally realized writing something that makes you miserable for no actual compensation is stupid and dumb, and from now henceforth, will write projects that actually make me happy.
One of the main things dragging down Star Spirit for me was that it just wasn't my kind of story. It was turning out pretty goddamn dark and intense, and if you've talked at length with me about my opinions on stories, you know I don't actually have much patience for those kinds of narratives. I've got plans for the basic ideas going into Star Spirit, big plans, but this time, I'm doing it right.
The first Star Spirit was pure bullshitting with no plan behind it. The ReVise Star Spirit was pure planning with no room for me to write something fun and enjoyable for myself. This time, none of that bullshit. I'm gonna be writing a good narrative, but I'm gonna be writing it my way, grittiness be damned. Not like I really have any readers left to pander to, so I might as well go all-in on doing everything for me, myself, and my incomparable skill as the Tensai Autist.
Oy vey what the hell is wrong with people and cartoons, mang? Like I get it, the cartoon industry really sucks major ass right now, but jesus christ there are people that unironically get upset in real life because of something a cartoon does. For example, the Ben 10 reboot. Everywhere I go it's just people whining and whining about what is objectively just an okay children's cartoon for a younger demographic. "BUT IT'S RUINING MY CHILDHOOD!" get over yourself mate Ben 10 shat itself long before the reboot came around "BUT THERE'S NO POINT TO IT!" it's making Cartoon Network hella dough that's the point to it right there. It's a cartoon. For small children. It's stupid, but it isn't anywhere near important. Grow up.
This was the original detailing I had for Goodbye to a World. I decided the space texture I drew looked too realistic compared to the rest of the design so I made the colors for the "official" image a bit more cartoonish.
Ben 10 News
Nothing really interesting.
Well, that's it for today, folks. I hope you enjoyed the seventy-fourth issue of The CaT Gazette! Feedback and support are appreciated!
The world's only newsletter to have never missed a week of publication.
I'm feeling a bit better this week, albeit mostly by virtue of distracting myself from the metaphorical (and literal) crushing pressure in the back of my skull. Trying to ignore my problems since I have no realistic method of dealing with them kinda reminds me of the old CaT. You know, before I gave up on ignoring them and was pretty much entirely consumed by them.
One of my childhood pets died a few days ago. Not the first pet I've had die, but it's still not easy by any means.
On a less depressing note, Build never fails to make me feel better every week by being a ridiculously well-written show with really fantastic cinematography. If you only watch one Kamen Rider series in your lifetime, it should probably be Build (assuming it doesn't crash and burn at the end like Ex-Aid did but let's try not to think about that).
You may have read about this on Discord already, but I'm cancelling the ReVise/Renovation entirely. See, I was at my weekly therapy appointment on Thursday and my therapist and I had a conversation that basically went like this:
Me: "Alright so I've got this writing project I've been dealing with for the past few years that I currently hate and keeps me from working on other shit I might want to do but I already put too much work into it to let it go what do I do"
Therapist: "Dude if it ain't doing shit for you you need to let it go"
Me: "But I put way too much effort into this thing already man if I let it go it'll just have been one huge waste of time"
Therapist: "Dude part of being human is wasting huge chunks of your time all you can do is stop fussing over it and take what you learned from the experience to avoid that same kind of shit in the future. Going on with something like this just because of the time-sink fallacy is unhealthy"
Me: "Wait so you're saying obsessing over something that's actively been making my life worse because I can't handle not living up to my own bullshit perfectionist vision of taking on a project for the sake of trying to keep up a false sense of fake self-esteem is a...bad thing???
Therapist: "Yes you literal autist Jesus Christ"
I mean obviously it didn't go exactly like that but that's what I got out of it
Brainstorm Fest ends tonight, so if there's anything else you still want to do for it, you should probably hurry that up.
(That's the closest we're getting to Featured Article for a while lmao)
Alright here's some common internet etiquette that some people don't quite seem to understand: if someone posts something, do not immediately post something of your own over it without at least acknowledging their post. Ideally speaking you would wait long enough to give people a chance to comment on the original person's thing (like at least five-ten minutes depending on the community), but if you absolutely have to post something right away, at least let the person you're posting over know you're not intentionally ignoring them and trying to divert attention away from their thing. I'd be lying if I said this hasn't annoyed me on a personal level a good few times, but since it happened to Aaron in the Discord earlier and he got annoyed about it, I have a chance to talk about this without sounding like I'm complaining about a problem exclusive to me.
The world's only newsletter to have never missed a week of publication.
I'm still hyper-depressed and yet I fear the void so I'm just kind of stuck here suffering for eternity hahaha
This past week was my last week of work until August (for those unaware I work at a school, so I get summer break along with the kids basically), so now I have a lot more free time to spend doing absolutely nothing of substance because of severe psychomotor retardation (it's a depression thing look it up).
What the hell have I become
I don't like it
Brainstorm won the Alien Fest voting, so Brainstorm Fest is officially on. Wiki theme update coming as soon as I get time and energy to make it.
People on Tumblr and the like who glorify depression and autism like "this is who I am and I'm proud cuz it makes me unique yet fragile so the world must bend to me UwU" piss me off like no others. If these assholes actually suffered from these problems like most people, they wouldn't be proud of it, they'd be searching for a cure every day of their goddamn lives. Demonizing people with depression and autism is a horrible thing to do, but encouraging people not to seek treatment because having these disorders makes them "le unique" is equally horrible and could get someone killed.
The 300th episode of the Ben 10 franchise, Past Aliens Present, has aired, and...I mean, it's pretty decent. I like it. The reboot's writing is getting a lot better, but it is really held back by the art style. Granted, there is one really well-storyboarded scene where XLR8 gets tossed around by a steam robot and the animation manages to convey a good sense of slow-motion impact on a tight budget, but that speaks more to the skill of the storyboarders than the quality of the animation style. I'd like to see what this crew would be capable of on a show with fewer restrictions.
Well, that's it for today, folks. I hope you enjoyed the seventy-second issue of The CaT Gazette! Feedback and support are appreciated!
The world's only newsletter to have never missed a week of publication.
I've been obligated into writing this issue by my therapist for the sake of getting me off my ass and forcing me to do something. Take that how you will.
Surprise surprise I'm still really depressed and I still build up a resistance to my antidepressants faster than any normal human person. I'm going to meet with my psychiatrist to discuss changing medications again, but in the back of my head I'm worried that I might eventually just build up a resistance to everything and be completely screwed.
I'm still working on my projects, albeit way too slowly for any of them to be done anytime soon. To be honest, I'm really struggling to make myself care about them at this point. I know nobody else really does, and I can't help but resent them for sucking up so much of my life in pursuit of making a mediocre final product. I hate them so much. Especially Star Spirit. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I hate Star Spirit. Every other series at least had a goddamn point to existing in my life. OG Tech 10 was made because I was a bored introvert with no friends and nothing to do who needed a fantasy outlet to express himself. Rebooted happened because it reflected my emotions and helped me work through my own personal flaws and depression. Not Applicable happened specifically so I could start improving my writing skills again. Star Spirit existed for literally no reason other than I just kinda wanted it to. There was no purpose behind it to begin with, and there's no purpose to it now other than my own obsessive depressed personality not being willing to let go of something that's clearly had a negative impact on my life because I poured so much time and passion into it that I can't bring myself to just cut my losses and end it already. Writing the ReVised version is a miserable experience because I know I'm technically making something good people would enjoy reading (which isn't even accurate since nobody would even give enough of a shit to read it to begin with) but I don't personally enjoy working on it. I hate it. I hate it with a passion. I hate it beyond words, but I can't make myself let go of it. I'd ask what's wrong with me but I know exactly what's wrong with me, I just don't know how to make it stop.
Okay jesus christ I wasn't expecting to rant for that long going into that but welp there's that out in the open now I guess. I know nobody's actually going to give half a flying shit but hey that's just the story of my life in a nutshell.
Oh and also I'm removing the Writing Lessons section until further notice and replacing it with Writing Resources. If you don't like it, write your own damn lessons.
That new "Thundercats Roar" announcement sure is blowing smoke up everyone's asses. I don't like the look of it, but I've just given up on expecting anything new or unique from Cartoon Network at this point. Like I can understand having your panties in a twist about it to a point, but man, it's just a cartoon. I've seen people attacking and defending this shit like their lives depend on it all over Twitter and it's absolutely ridiculous. Then again, maybe that's my fault for expecting anything other than mindless screeching from the absolute hellsite Twitter has become.
The world's first newsletter to have never missed a week of publication.
Between the last issue and now, I have become addicted to building model kits. God help my wallet.
I'm still a depressed hopeless piece of shit, so expect the next issue never sometime.
I've made some progress writing shit but not enough to feel good about myself.
I dropped out of two semesters of college to work on getting my life back together but I haven't made any goddamn progress on that please for the love of god someone kill me already I'm so done with life I just don't want to be alive anymore goddammit what the hell is the point of any of this just the act of existing hurts me god help
Anyways, back to your funny meme newsletter haha.
I've returned to an adminship position on the wiki and it is surprisingly not a contributing factor to my omnipresent suicidal tendencies
We recently had Spring Fanon Con, which was kinda neat.
Other than that, I dunno. Not much happens around here any more.
Lesson ???: Maybe I'll do one of these again someday
I didn't like the original Burst design I made for Napoleon so I redid it.
That's it that's the entire story here what do you want from me
Ben 10 News
Charmcaster debuted in the reboot if you care about that. The episode hasn't been released in English yet but from what I've seen it's basically like if Couples Retreat took place entirely at a Costco and idk how to feel about that.
Well, that's it for today, folks. I hope you enjoyed the seventieth issue of The CaT Gazette! Feedback and support are appreciated!
Reminder that you only have one day left to deliver a gift to The Awesome Jack. You can request an extra day's extension if your schedule is full, but if you don't deliver a gift at all, you'll be banned from the next Chain of Gifts.