My will to live is as nonexistent as scientists in Australia.
I've been working a bit on shading and texturing recently, which should be obvious in this week's Art Corner. I'm stuck in this weird place of being proud of my progress yet hating everything I make. Oh well.
Been (kinda) working on a non-Ben 10-related project called "Reform" for a bit. God knows if it'll ever come out though.
Made a couple of Vlogs if you're interested in that. I edited down a lot of footage to keep things at least mildly interesting.
O living always--always dying! O the burials of me, past and present! O me, while I stride ahead, material, visible, imperious as ever! O me, what I was for years, now dead, (I lament not--I am content;) O to disengage myself from those corpses of me, which I turn and look at, where I cast them! To pass on, (O living! always living!) and leave the corpses behind!
–O Living Always--Always Dying, Walt Whitman
On the one hand I like cryptic bullshit but on the other hand it feels pretentious.
An ascendant is the Zodiac sign rising on the east horizon at the time of a specific event, so I figured it would make a good motif for the final form of the leader of the Zodiac Organization.
On another note, I don't think this is going to be noticed unless I point it out because who the hell remembers these details is that Ascendant Orion's mask is a cracked-open version of his regular mask.
Same goes for his armor.
Ben 10 News
OK KO is going to be having a crossover event this fall called "Crossover Nexus" featuring Ben from Ben 10 (2016), Raven from Teen Titans Go! and Garnet from Steven Universe. OK KO is no stranger to odd crossovers, having already had an episode featuring Captain Planet of all things, but a large multi-show crossover like this is a first for the network in general (discounting bumpers and comics).
We also got some images for future designs leaked, including a new Omnitrix, the Shock Rock villain and Glitch Ben we first saw at New York Toy Fair, and a couple of Forever Knights, confirming their presence in the reboot.
The greatest evidence for God being dead is the fact that I'm still alive.
I got my blood test results back recently, and not only do I not have any thyroid issues, my thyroid is practically at the center of its normal functioning range. Back to square one with the depression, I guess.
On a more positive note, all of my vitals are good save for my having a slightly higher triglyceride level than what is considered optimal. My body is doing pretty well despite my consistent depression-induced sabotage of its basic upkeep, so...yay for me, I guess?
Nothing of note.
Spraypainting and brush painting both have their own pros and cons, such as spraypainting being much more likely to give you some form of horrific lung cancer, but spraypainting is much easier to do and is overall 10x more enjoyable don't @ me.
I think most people have lost interest in this newsletter, but I don't want to cut it off at a random point. I've decided that Issue 100 of the CaT Gazette will be the final one, save for special occasions. I might extend it beyond that if people are interested, but I really doubt they are.
My family is going to Kauai this next week (they're actually leaving tomorrow but details) and I'm staying behind. I'm not in a good enough place mentally to deal with traveling right now, and staying here means I'll be able to receive my blood test results as soon as they arrive in the mail.
Speaking of which, I should probably explain that. Both my therapist and my psychiatrist suggested I get tested for hypothyroidism, which is a condition that can cause or worsen depression, among other things. Hypothyroidism occurs when your thyroid doesn't produce enough hormones for whatever reason. Since those hormones are in charge of running the body's metabolism, having a lack of them slows down your body's processes and essentially leaves you running on low power 24/7.
Assuming I do have hypothyroidism, getting it treated could improve my mood, make me less fatigued all the time, and actually allow me to produce adequate amounts of body heat (I feel like a walking freezer half the time). If I don't, we're back to square one.
Also no more Writing Resources they're just wasting everyone's time reeeeeeeeee
Nothing of note.
I'm just sick of everything idk what you want me to say here.
By the time I post this, it'll be the day of my eighth anniversary on this wiki.
My creative life has more or less revolved around this wiki for the past eight years.
Well, at least this gives me a valid reason to kill myself.
Expect a blog sometime today.
Nothing of note.
The Gazette has more or less been my personal emotional dumping ground for a while now, and I have to imagine most of you are getting sick of it. The sad part is everything I've dumped out is barely scratching the surface of the grand iceberg of disappointment that is my non-existent mental health.
Watch Kamen Rider Build already you summer school rejects.
I did not end up going to Japan last week because I managed to un-autism myself just in time to avoid traveling. Some people might ask why the hell I would do that because they think all vacations are le epic XD but I will expand on why that opinion is garbage and why you are garbage for having it in the Editorial.
I didn't even think it was possible for me to be even more suicidal than I have been but every day this past week has been an exercise in proving myself wrong on that front. At this point my days consist of half sitting on my ass in front of my computer and half sleeping. My parents keep telling me if I sleep too much during the day I won't be able to sleep at night but the joke's on them because my [Severe Depression] grants me the superpower of endless fatigue and I am thus never not tired enough to fall unconscious. The real issue is trying to stay awake for any significant period of time.
If you want more specifics on my mood lately I can just copy and paste my statements on Discord here because really nothing's changed as far as those go.
I wish I had an actual reason to live beyond just the fear of death Okay let me rephrase that I wish I had any means of appreciating the numerous reasons to live that are currently completely [h*ck]ing neutered by my [h*ck]ing useless piece of shit brain I want to [h*ck]ing die every single second of every single day but I don't want to be like this I just want to be [h*ck]ing normal and function like an actual human being instead of just some useless misery generator Every time I manage to work up the energy to do something I used to enjoy it never feels worth it by the end of it If anything I end up feeling ten times worse because I'm completely drained and have nothing of lasting value to show for it Oh boy I wrote something? Who gives a shit it's not something anyone cares about reading Oh boy I drew something? Fantastic now people can ogle it for two seconds before moving on to something actually of worth Oh boy I played a video game? Great now I just have to recuperate from the extra stress that gave me that isn't worth the measly amount of time I managed to waste I don't know why I even bother talking about this shit It's not like anyone can actually help me Every therapist I've ever been to has been [h*ck]ing useless My meds never [h*ck]ing work I'm not depressed because there's some underlying psychological cause I'm depressed because I was [h*ck]ing born wrong why the [h*ck] am I spilling my guts about this shit on a [h*ck]ing Ben 10 Fan Fiction server oh yeah it's because if I do it in real life I'd probably be involuntarily hospitalized [h*ck] me dude
I know I've said this before but legitimately why am I still alive All I do is sit around all day trying not to kill myself My only value as a person is existing for the sole sake of other people not feeling bad that I'm gone
I don't know why I bother bringing this stuff up. Nobody can help me with it and I just make everyone around me feel depressed and awkward. Sorry for dumping this stuff on you guys.
The suggestions thread to extend Alien Fests to two weeks has been approved and will go into effect starting with the next Alien Fest.
Alright, buckle up buckaroos, because Papa CaT is about to learn you a thing. Specifically, traveling sucks donkey ass and everyone who gives me shit for not liking it is a piece of shit moron.
Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but seriously, constantly being told to like something that causes me objective misery in real life gets really goddamn old after a while.
I am of the opinion that the reason people like vacations is because, for most, they are extremely rare occasions, and thus, are worth all the hassle involved in going on one. For me, on the other hand, my dad works for an airline and my mom is a travelholic, and so I got dragged along on vacations all the goddamn time growing up. When you do something that requires a ridiculous amount of planning and stress to manage correctly over and over and over, it gradually stops being fun and just gets absolutely miserable.
A lot of people seem to be under the impression that a vacation is supposed to be "relaxing". For some people, this may very well be the case. For me, my vacations consist of:
Overly careful packing
An overbearing mother that can't calm the hell down about anything
Getting to the airport way earlier than necessary and having to wait with absolutely nothing to do for hours
I spent most of my life without a portable gaming console or phone of any kind so I'm not exaggerating here
Getting on the plane and sitting with absolutely nothing to do for hours but this time in the air
Running around trying to get the rental car situation in order
Waiting around for our hotel to get their shit together before we could check in
Trying to adjust to jet lag
Getting dragged around doing shit 24/7 the entire vacation because as stated before my mother can't calm the hell down
Note that pretty much none of this shit is actually anything I'm interested in doing which is kind of impressive given the sheer amount of shit I get dragged around to
Steps 1-7 again but this time in reverse.
OH BOY GEE WILLIKERS WASN'T THAT FUN?!?!?! IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE A SINGLE PART OF THAT VACATION THEN YOU'RE JUST AN UNGRATEFUL BRAT! ALL OF IT WAS AMAZING! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT TOO BAD KILL YOURSELF! WOOHOO!!!!1!
Yeah so anyways screw vacations and screw everyone who says I should like them you can all eat my entire ass
Alright I've been going back and remastering the shading on some of my newer art pieces for a project called "Imaginate". What in the everloving tom[h*ck] is Imaginate? That's what my presentation on Discord this Friday night at 8PM MST/10PM EST is for telling you so just wait for that you impatient [h*ck]s.
Ben 10 News
We finally got that Alien Worlds short on Shock Rock.
Well, it's better than nothing.
From what I can tell, Shock Rock's species is basically run by warlords that assemble armies to conquer shit. I could be wrong since I don't speak Commie, but that's what it looks like on the surface level.
Well, that's it for today, folks. I hope you enjoyed the seventy-sixth issue of The CaT Gazette! Feedback and support are appreciated!