| WARNING: PROFANITY FOLLOWS |
|---|
| The following content contains profanity that may not be suitable for readers of all ages. Please proceed with caution. |
| CaT Reviews! | |
| Season 1, Episode 6 | |
 | |
| Media | The Black Knight |
| Air date | 4/14/16 |
| Review by | CaT |
| Original work by | Sci100 |
| Episode Guide | |
| Previous CaT Reviews: BBO Season 4! |
Next CaT Reviews: Mig X: Revolution! |
Okay, first off, I want to make it perfectly clear that that Profanity warning is not just there for show. Mr. CaT gets angry in this review. Mr. CaT gets very angry in this review. So, please, if you don't want to see a bunch of profanity, turn around now.
I am not kidding.
This is the sixth episode of CaT Reviews!, this time featuring The Black Knight, as requested by Sci100!
Story[]
First off, I would like to start off this review with an apology to Sci100 for this review taking so long.
I would like to, but I'm not going to. You wrote this really long bed, now lie in it.
Anyways, the story for this movie is divided into three acts, so I'll be reviewing it chunk by chunk.
Act 1[]
Black Screen with White Words showing up.
Opening exposition via reading. *ding*
Questionable fimography for a written story aside, our story begins with a flashback sequence via dream that introduces our main character, Drake, and his love interest Regina, as well as a couple other characters. Once our main character wakes up, he remembers that he's 15 years old because exposition, and then we skip forward an unspecified amount of time, truly beginning our story, which begins in a village on another planet.
We see two soldiers dragging a 15 year old away to join the army, because apparently every time a soldier dies, some random kids (a boy and a girl) are grabbed to take their place. Logistics of maintaining an army that keeps growing at such a stupid high rate like that aside, we see that the villagers are not very happy about this because, you know, taking away their children and stuff.
We get some exposition, then Drake going about his duties, then more exposition, and then we cut to a scene where Drake's family and Regina's family...having dinner together? Maybe? That's what's implied via dialogue, but nothing in the narrative actually indicates them eating anything. They have a discussion about their futures, where this topic comes up:
Drake: You have any idea what happens there? Every day, someone is mugged, or killed or even ....
Even what? What are you talking about? The way you say that makes it sound like there's something worse than death on your mind, but it's not like it's taboo to say torture or anything. Seriously, what-
Oh.
Ooohh noooooooo
Anyways, Drake proceeds to Disney Princess it up and say he wants more from life. Everybody argues over this, which ends up with Drake rage-quitting the village and striking out on his own. We cut to Drake somewhere in the woods, when all of a sudden, an army appears out of nowhere, marching towards a nearby village (not his, just to clarify). While the soldiers are marching, the general is apparently saying...something for some reason.
General: March. March. March. March. Onwards to the Village of Epiphany.
Well okay that's very nice, general, but you don't have to say 'march' four times in a row if you're giving a command. If it's supposed to be a mantra or a war cry of some sort, I think something like this would work better:
Uh...actually, you know what? You're good.
So anyways, Drake goes to investigate and ends up being literally dragged into a resistance, who are rioting and yelling and basically making a mess of things. The royal guard is there to stop them. The resistance leader, Roy, rallies the troops and goes to face the army, the general of which offers him a chance to back down. Roy refuses on the grounds of the government being total buttholes, and the two sides get ready to fight, with the resistance singing...Do You Hear The People Sing from Les Miserables.
On an alien planet.
Being sung by aliens.
Uh, I appreciate the sentiment here guys, but that doesn't really make any sense. You might as well just have them start signing this and it would make about as much sense.
Anyways, all hell breaks loose, and Drake's friend Richard, who was looking for him, ends up getting caught in the crossfire and dying. Drake leaves the village to bury his friend, which turns out to be a bad decision, since as soon as the main character leaves, the town gets bombed.
Some boring government announcements and out-of-nowhere timeskips later, some peeps break into the government HQ and steal a couple of super secret files. Another timeskip later, we see Drake heading over to a guy named Charles, who is apparently Richard's rich brother who runs a technology company. Charles gears him up and takes him on a tour around the secret bunkers and tunnels and what not used in the previous Rebellion. It's then revealed that Drake is rich now, after being directed to an old treasure chest with his family's seal on it that contains treasure worth 220 Billion dollars.
We then cut to see what Regina is up to, working at a hospital and what not. Her father comes in, tells her her mom died, and she helps pay for the funeral.
After that, we cut to a mansion where Drake is attending a rich people party, and if you think that last bit about Regina was tossed into the review haphazardly, then I've done my job of representing how the movie handles it fairly well. Drake starts having a conversation with his rich peep buds, who-
Richard: Elizabeth, what do you think of Darzon's polices? They're set to expire in a few weeks.
OH MY GOD, RICHARD IS ALIVE! THIS IS AMAZING!
Okay, I know this is probably a different Richard, but the movie does absolutely nothing to make that clear, so as far as I'm concerned, Richard is now Jesus. As such, there is only one proper way for this movie to end.
Anyways, his rich peeps get into an argument about Lord Darzon's policies.
Oh, if you're wondering who Lord Darzon is, he's the bad guy ruling the government. He's been in the movie before, he's just been very...forgettable so far.
Drake excuses himself to go do the do with a couple of ladies he just kinda...has around, I guess. As he leaves the mansion, he encounters Regina, who is there because reasons (okay, it's implied in her earlier scene that she's attending the aforementioned party, but again, the movie does absolutely nothing to confirm this). They talk for a few seconds, with Regina bringing up out of nowhere that things in the village are fine...but actually not fine? And his Dad is a drunk because reasons? And Drake is a terrible person for walking away from a life he hated and becoming successful?
She implies he's bad because he's doing nothing for the village despite having a lot of money, but...wait, if she's attending this party, then wouldn't she have a lot of money? Why isn't she doing anything? I mean, she gave her dad 10,000 dollars earlier out of pocket! Granted, she mentions she'll have to work hard to pay rent, but then why does she carry around her rent money while on the job? What the hell is going on with this character?!
Regina walks away, with both hurt, yet only one confused.
ACTUALLY MOVIE, I WOULD ARGUE THAT THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE THAT ARE VERY CONFUSED HERE AT THE MOMENT.
After that, we cut to the next day, where a big ol' parade is happening, with Lord Darzon making a public appearance. The parade goes off without a hitch...until The Black Knight (Drake's edgy new code name) and some supporters of his attack the parade, attempting to assassinate Lord Darzon, albeit unsuccessfully. With the plan all botched up, The Black Knight and his peeps make their getaway, with Lord Darzon declaring war on them.
Well, that was a decent movie, I guess. Kinda boring to be honest, but at least it didn't drag on and on and-wait, what?
That was only act 1 of 3?
I still have to review 2 more entire acts of about equal or longer length to the first one?
...
Act 2[]
Okay, okay, I have a job to do here. I'll save the sweet release of death for another day.
Act 2 opens with a report on the latest happenings, revealing that the attack on the parade has sparked all kinds of rioting and chaos, even in the richer areas. Lord Dazon makes a speech about this, which can be summed up as 'we are teh Nazis and u will take us seriously!' and puts in place a bunch of new rules and stuff.
My reign... it is like gold. It is like diamond. Nothing shall break it.
With all the new rules and stuff, Darzon's forces start wreaking havoc across the land, doing whatever they want and abducting people because reasons. Drake does some investigating and manages to find out that the abducted people are being held at Area 52.
Area
52
God
Damn it
That is
Even more unfortunate than the last thing
We cut to the inside of Area 52, where they have 100 people...uh, stuck in pods. On a wall. Because wall pods are the obvious people-storing solution. And Regina is there and stuff.
Lord Darzon walks in and says that they'll be there for eternity, being used for experiments or interrogation or blah blah blah evil villain stuff. Does it really matter at this point?
He pulls a lever, which sends a painful electric shock through all the pods because he wants to make a point or something, then leaves. Then we cut to Drake taking out a guard and entering Area 52, then we cut to Regina being interrogated for information, and then Darzon leaves to do something, but is stopped by a Lieutenant that tells him the basement has been destroyed.
Yeah, The Black Knight destroyed the base's entire basement. While that distracts Darzon, The Black Knight saves Regina and the rest of the prisoners, enacting a massive break out. He ends up fighting Lord Darzon a bit, getting his armor cracked, but manages to get information from a dying guard about a rebellion leader named Caesar, and then get all of the prisoners out of the base. Unfortunately, his armor broke in such a way that it left behind the exact chunk of metal that has the name of Charles's company FULLY INSCRIBED ON IT. You don't think you might've wanted to, you know, remove that little detail from your rebellion suit before-hand, you moron?!
Regardless, we cut to Drake briefing Charles on the situation, when all of a sudden, the Royal Guard arrives, with Lord Darzon in tow! Suprise!
God damn idiot
So, Darzon basically explains that he'll be forcing Drake's company to provide for him, and hands him a letter that reports that his father is dead, then leaves. Oh yeah, Drake's father is dead. He died earlier in the movie, but it didn't matter much before now, and it's not going to really matter that much after now, so...yeah.
Drake: Dar....ZON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once that scene ends, we cut to Drake going to a club to find this Caesar guy that was mentioned earlier. Caesar basically reveals himself to Drake, and they start talking about revolution and what not. Oh, and you know that Roy guy that was leading that one village's revolution in Act 1? As it turns out, Roy escaped the bomb and is now...Caesar!
That plot twist aside, Caesar reveals a device he has that allows him to 'record thousands of years worth in an instant', whatever that means. Drake demands he gives the device to him, which Caesar reasonably responds to by asking why he needs it. We cut to Regina, who is also at the club, who is talking with the lady that pointed Drake to Caesar in the club. We then cut back to Drake, who gives his reason, which is-
Drake: 4 years ago, I learned the truth about the government. They’re cruel, powerful, rich, hateful, and destructive. They take everything we care about and break it down, before destroying it. For When in the Course of Klingon events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
...Literally the Introduction and Preamble of the Declaration of Independence.
What the fucking fuck
So, this is enough to make Caesar give Drake the device. Just in time, too, as the government forces almost immediately raid the club, looking for Caesar. Drake runs into Regina and escapes with her, using the Batmobile C.U2 to outrun the government in a chase sequence and end up in the Black Knight's base, where he and Regina have a good old argument about Drake being the Black Knight that totally isn't annoying, with Regina ending up just leaving.
We then cut to Charles, who is suddenly raided by government forces, but manages to escape and find Caesar, who explains that he has just the thing to rally the public now.
A public execution video.
Why, you may ask, would showing a public execution to the public again be of any importance? The world may never know.
Anyways, we cut to the public execution video starting on every screen in the city. It shows some people being lined up to hang. One of them says-
Young Teenager: Many of our love ones are off to war. They leave us behind for distance shores. They seek out our enemies to even the score. But some of them we may never see once more.
Wait
This better not be going where I fucking think it's going.
Young Teenager: We believe people should be free to choose. So this war on terror is one we cannot lose.We are a nation that will fight when we must. Terrorists will learn this when they bite the dust. For do they hear the people sing?
I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER SOMEONE FOR THIS
Okay, so you know what these passages are? You know what they fucking are? They're lines from a couple of 'Patriotic American Poems' by a lady named Ellen Bailey. Oh, but that's not all, nonononoNO, that is not all. The last line also leads into the people about to be executed singing THIS MOVIE'S SECOND GOD DAMN RENDITION OF THAT SONG FROM LES MISERABLES. WHICH THEN LEADS INTO THE PEOPLE WATCHING THE VIDEO STARTING TO RIOT WHILE SINGING THE SAME SONG.
MOVING ON.
People continue to riot all across the nation, still singing the god damn Les Miserables song. The Black Knight makes an appearance to further rally the people, and we cut to Lord Darzon observing all this on TV, then making a standard villain comment about it.
Act 3[]
Alright, alright, we made it to Act 3. Just one more more part to go, and...
and...
Act 3 begins with Lord Darzon bombing North City because evil. We see a report on this, which eventually shows a message from Caesar, who says that the rebellion has begun.
Two years later-
"CaT, what the hell are you doing?!" You may yell at your screen. "You can't just skip to two years later like nothing important happened in any of the two years after that crap!"
Well, too bad. That's how the movie is. It's not like I'm happy with this turn of events either.
As it turns out, Drake got injured about a year ago, and isn't doing Black Knight stuff anymore, even though he's recovered and is perfectly capable of doing it. He just feels like he isn't needed anymore because reasons. Charles calls him out on his crap and tells him the story of Augustus, who was the previous ruler of their planet. Long story short, Augustus was a great ruler, but Lord Darzon lead a coup and usurped him, banishing him from the throne. As it turns out, Augustus became Roy, who in turn became Caesar and began the rebellion.
Charles pleads with Drake one final time, pointing out that a bunch of their people have died, and they can't let those deaths be in vain. After wrestling with himself about it for a few moments, Drake decides that Charles is right and takes up the mantle of Dark Knight once again.
We cut to Charles and Caesar discussing the state of the rebellion with some other rebellion leaders. Once that scene ends, we cut to a battle between Darzon's forces and the Rebellion. Things aren't going well, with Darzon's Capitol ship showing up, which is apparently really bad news. Thankfully, the Black Knight pops in at the same time, turning the tide of the battle.
We cut to an awards ceremony, where the Black Knight...has a heart attack and passes out for a few days. When he wakes up, it turns out the Regina is working for the rebellion now and has been taking care of him.
Neat.
We then cut to Lord Darzon and General Javert (who has been in the movie for a while too, but didn't need to be mentioned by name until now) scheming and deciding to strike the rebellion leaders when they're all gathered in one place. We then cut to Drake getting out of the hospital and swiftly catching two morons who let him in on the plan to kill the rebellion leaders by talking about said plan in public. He rushes to the meeting place, but too late to stop Caesar's assassination, which consists of the assassin stabbing him in the chest and snapping his neck.
Charles and The Black Knight: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And now for, the "Top 5 Insensitive Jokes About This Character's Death I Can Think Of!"
- How do you make a Caesar Salad? Take a head of lettuce and knife it!
- Boy, that sure was a big twist!
- Aw, Snap!
- Too bad, Caesar seemed like a pretty knife guy!
- Et Tu, Scius?
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week!
Given the length of this movie, that may not be an exaggeration.
Anyways, the assassin makes his escape, eventually stopping to blow both himself and half the city to pieces. After the end of the scene, thousands of people are dead, and the remaining leaders want to just give up, but Drake manages to convince them to fight on. He gets dubbed the new leader of the rebellion, and the scene ends.
We cut to a montage of the Black Knight leading Rebellion forces, and eventually, they conquer pretty much all of the planet except for the Capital. The cast begins to sing ANOTHER GOD DAMN SONG FROM LES MISERABLES
Once that's finally over, the final battle begins, with Charles besting General Javert in battle and Darzon and Drake having their final confrontation. Darzon manages to get away, but the battle is won anyway, leaving the rebellions in control of the planet. They then find Darzon's mansion and kill him anyway, so...yeah. We see Javert, who sorta wandered off from battle, kill himself (if only I could be so lucky right now) by jumping off a bridge. Presumably with a cartoony sound effect.
We then cut to Drake recovering from his injuries, and having a romantic scene with Regina. A year later, the two of them leave the planet to see the galaxy. Unfortunately, as turns out-surprise!-one the rebellion leaders was actually a Vladat, who orchestrated Darzon's rise to power in the first place!
That's actually a pretty good twist, not gonna lie.
Anyways, the Vladat kills Regina because lol, and after a brief fight, the two end up breaking a vital pipe and freezing in the depths of space.
Hundreds of years later, the ship crashes on Earth, Drake gets defrosted, and then joins the Avengers FLA.
Fucking hell.
Oh, and there's a post-credits scene where they basically just build up the next movie. If you're really interested, read it yourself, but since it isn't technically a part of this movie's main plot, I ain't covering anything about it.
Bite me.
Characters[]
Go read Les Miserables and watch Batman.
That's about all I need to say about the characters.
Because they're almost entirely ripped from those two franchises.
God damn.
Writing[]
Not the worst I've ever seen (still Sif 100 for that), but not great. Confusing narrative, random capitalization, and dialogue flatter than a paper plate. Seriously, would it have killed you to put in any emotion for these people?! Here's an example of what I mean. Keep in mind that Drake has just been cut in the arm.
The Black Knight: Ahhh
Wow. Gripping.
Conclusions[]
This movie.
This fucking movie.
This may be the single most frustrating thing I've read on this wiki.
Story and characters ripped directly from other movies. Cliche plot points. Writing so confusing I didn't know what the hell the author was trying to convey in some scenes. Using the fucking Declaration of Independence as a character's speech. I hated almost every single minute of my life I spent reading this.
Sif 100 at least had some entertainingly bad parts. Ben 10: A Hero Reborn was boring, but mercifully short. But this movie feels like an attack on my senses and an insult to the general audience.
Look, nothing against you Sci, I'm sure your modern stuff is great. However, this was written over three years ago, and holy dear hell does it show. So, I'm sorry if I pissed anyone off with this review, but trust me, you can't possibly be as pissed at me as I am pissed at this movie.
And so, my final rating for this movie is I Wanted To Die While Reading This, 2/10.
| CaT Reviews! | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| |||