User blog:Migster7/Stuff I Need To Say

Intro
Yea, yea, so CaT and Street made blogs letting out how they feel and stuff, and Rob discussed his personal issues a few times on threads. I figured I may as well, too. This has been a long time coming, I just never felt comfortable talking about stuff here in fear I'd be judged, ignored, etc. But I found the confidence.

So, for the past couple of months, this have been...different here, to put it bluntly. There's been fights, there's been drama, there's been a lot of activity, a lot of fun as well. Nothing seems wrong aside the occasional disagreement or two in threads. That is not true.

This may just seem like a "Mig-is-ranting-and-being-annoying" sort of deal, which is why I didn't really want to make it, but I feel like I should address it.

The Issues
So, let me just start off with: I feel lonely. Not much of a shocker considering how much my IRL life has collapsed in the past few months, but it's happening online as well. Every time I go on chat, I just act like I'm fine, I have so many friends, etc. I do not feel that at all. Sometimes I just fake it, I just get into conversations to act all cool and stuff, but I'm not. I'm not happy, I'm not cheery, I'm not really funny. That's just how I act because I don't want people to feel awkward around me, to feel like something's always wrong, which happens more often than not at this point.

Many people don't like talking to me one on one, which kinda hurts. Yea, a lot of people are on main chat and stuff, but people also PC each other and stuff. That never really happens with me. I try, some people PC me, but it's very rare. It's really quite embarrassing to say how uncommon that happens to me. I'm not trying to say PC ME PLS GUIZE <3, and I'm also not trying to sound desperate for people; this is just what's been going on.

People also never ask me to help with shows and stuff. This makes sense, I'm not really writing much other than my next project, but in the near past it was never, ever like that. Maybe it's because I'm not a great writer, not a great person, I don't know, but it doesn't really sit well in my stomach. I ask people sometimes, which is awkward itself, and it's usually a "sorry, no" or stuff, so I just stopped altogether. I also can't draw worth a damn, so there's that.

I'd like to call everyone here my friend, but I'm not sure if that's even true anymore. People are nice to me, I'm nice to them, but that's really all there is to it. I've accomplished little to no personal friendships. I know, that's like all my fault, I suppose, but even so, it makes me feel really sad. I look back on this a lot and figure, "Wow, am I really THAT big of a loser?" I guess so. I sometimes can be clingy, I suppose. I sometimes get upset and/or jealous, I suppose. I'm sorry for those I've done that to, really, I am. I regret my mistakes and infinite flaws. That's all due to the fact that all of my IRL friends left me or betrayed me.

How would it feel if you showed up to your friend's house and he had all of your bullies rounded up, and they all just humiliated you and kicked you out?

One of my only friends here, and by "friends" I mean people who talk to me one on one, I'm not really sure about anymore. We don't get along a lot, that's all me, and he's very friendly with about everyone, so that just gives me a sense of insecurity, and that I'm not really "enough" to have around. Not to mention we basically stopped doing things altogether, and it just hurts me seeing it all blow up in my face. Overall, it's just a hassle. Friends I used to have have decided to drop communications with me, or they just flat out hate me. Understandable.

Another issue I have is people disliking the admins' decisions most of the time. That's ok, really, the community is allowed to speak out and voice their opinions. I realize we screw up, hell, me more than all of them combined, but we're all trying. I'm trying. I haven't been the best admin, I'm not on 24/7, maybe I'm like the worst admin to date, I don't really know, but I'm sorry if people are genuinely upset/angry at me or the other admins for what we've done lately.

TL;DR
So, anyway, I just wanted to throw this all out there. I'm sorry if I ranting too much or just angering people with my stupid comments and whatnot. I do that a lot, I know. I've been highly considering leaving based on all of these things (plus IRL stuff), and people I have spoken to have mostly agreed, but we'll see.

Anyway, you guys have a wonderful day. I usually don't, but that's just me.