Never Met a Laser I Didn't Like

Never Met a Laser I Didn't Like is the first episode of Not Applicable

Script
OPENING SHOT

[Zooms in on an alley in a large city. Camera focuses on Napoleon sitting against a wall eating a taco and Herculian sitting against the opposite wall with his arms crossed]

Napoleon: [Finishes eating] "Well, that's actually pretty handy. Who would've guessed that the Swiss ArmyTrix-"

Herculian: "Swarm 1."

Napoleon: "-Swiss ArmyTrix could make tacos?

Herculian: [Rolls eyes] "You're in control of the most advanced nanobots out there, and you use them to make Mexican food? You might want to sort out your priorities."

Napoleon: "You have something against Mexicans?"

Herculian: "That's not what-"

Napoleon: "Are you racist?"

Herculian: "Why would I be-"

Napoleon: "Eh, I guess it's no big deal. Everyone's a little bit racist."

Herculian: "I'M NOT-"

Napoleon: "Except me, of course."

Herculian: "You have got to be kidd-"

Napoleon: "I accept everybody just the way they are: Not nearly as amazing as I am."

[Herculian and Napoleon stare at each other]

Herculian: "..."

Napoleon: "..."

Herculian: "...I...I have no words."

Napoleon: "I do tend to have that effect on people."

[Large explosion sound is heard, along with light flashing down the alley]

Napoleon: "What was that?"

Herculian: "I have no idea. We should probably-"

Napoleon: "Go check it out? Great idea!" [Jumps up and starts running out of the alley]

Herculian: [Starts running after Napoleon] "That is the exact opposite of what I had in mind! Get back here, you idiot!"

[Scene cuts to large street in the middle of the city. A large spider-shaped mech is using a laser cannon to demolish buildings. People are running, screaming, and generally panicking, as per usual.]

Napoleon: [Skids to a halt] "Dude! Mech! Laser! Shooting things! Do you know what this means?!"

Herculian: [Runs up beside Napoleon] "Ooooh no. Napoleon. No."

Napoleon: "Ooooh yes!"

Herculian: "NO."

Napoleon: "Ooooh ye-eees!"

Heculian: "DON'T YOU DARE-"

Napoleon: [To mech] "YO! ARACHNAFACE!"

[Mech swings around to face them, focusing it's laser cannon]

Herculian: [incredulously] "...You...You moron!"

Napoleon: "It's called taking initiative. You should try it sometime."

Laser Cannon Spider Mech: "Just who on Earth are you?"

Napoleon: [Points at mech] "Just who do you think I am?! I'm Napoleon Eldridge! The reputation of my ultimate greatness spreads unbridled horror into the hearts of all the wicked and vile evildoers of the universe!"

Herculian: "You are literally a 15 year old alley hobo, you moron! What is wrong with you?!"

LCSM: "That was a rhetorical question. I don't care who you are, you pathetic human! I have been sent to destroy your civilizations and ravage this land as if I were a plague! Prepare for destruction!"

Napoleon: "Destroy THIS! Boomerang Shades, GOOOOOO!!!" [Hurls sunglasses]

[Sunglasses proceed to bounce off the mech and fall to t he ground with a rather pathetic *tink*]

LCSM: "..."

Napoleon: "Hahaha! Your paint has now been scratched! What are you going to do now?! Hahahaha!"

LCSM: "...I am really going to enjoy killing you."

[Laser cannon fires; the beam is countered by a reflective shield]

Herculian: [With hand transformed into shield] "Look, while I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I'm afraid this idiot dying would interfere with my mission. So, if you could ever so kindly move on to destroying someone else, I would be most appreciative."

Napoleon: "Hold on a second, Herc! I have an idea!"

Herculian: [Slowly turns head to look at Napoleon] "Napoleon...you...****ing...clod..."

Napoleon: "Hear me out dude! And by that, I of course mean GO ARM CANNON!"

LCSM: "Oh, and I suppose this will be another absolute failure of a-"

[Large energy cannon is formed on Napoleon's right arm]

LCSM: "...Still not a threat."

Napoleon: "Like crap it isn't! My arm cannon vaporizes any barrier that I might come across! EAT THIS!"

[Arm cannon shoots a purple beam, slicing the mech's laser cannon in half]

LCSM: "Gah! Impossible! No ordinary human has access to that level of technology! Activating energy shields!"

Napoleon: "Well then, good thing I'm no ordinary human! GO, FLAMING SWORD OF JUSTICE!"

[The arm cannon dissipates, replaced with a large flaming sword attatched to Napoleon's arm at the wrist]

LCSM: "Foolish human! Anything that touches my energy shield is instantly dissolved! There's no way you could break through!"

Napoleon: "We'll see about that! HI-YAH!"

[Sword dissolves upon hitting shield]

Napoleon: "Oh."

Herculian: "Napoleon, we should probably run."

LCSM: "As if I'd let you escape! Since I don't have my laser cannon anymore, I'll just have to ram you instead!"

[The mech starts backing up]

Herculian: "Okay, that's it! We are leaving! NOW!"

Napoleon: "Hold on! I have an idea! It's crazy, but it just might work!"

Herculian: "What?! What idea would be worth getting ourselves killed over!"

Napoleon: "That's the thing! We're NOT going to die! You know why that is? Because I'm going to transform!"

Herculian: "...Excuse me?"

Napoleon: "You heard me! I'm going to use the Swiss ArmyTrix to transform into something that can get us out of this mess!"

Herculian: "You have got to be kidding me! Why would that even be a capability of Swarm 1?! Why would you even think that it could be?! There's no possible way that-"

Napoleon: "GO, TRANSFORMATION! LET'S DO THIS!"

[Napoleon throws his sunglasses up in the air and becomes covered by a bright light. The light twists around, eventually forming a humanoid shape. The light fades to reveal a seemingly robotic being, as he snatches his sunglasses out of the air and somehow attatches them to his face]\

Sludgehammer: TIME FOR ROUND TWO, BABY! BUT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT JUST UP AGAINST THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN IN HISTORY! YOU'RE UP AGAINST THE TITAN OF POISON, SLUDGEHAMMER!

Herculian: [Staring in disbelief] "Did...did you just break the laws of physics just to tick me off?"

LCSM: "You think this matters?! You're still dead, no matter what!"

[The mech starts charging at Sludgehammer and Napoleon]

Sludgehammer: "CHEMICAL SHOT!" [Shoots liquid at the mech's shield, causing crackling and a large explosion, breaking the energy field]

LCSM: [Freezes in place] "Impossible! How did do that?!"

Sludgehammer: "I just shot a mixture at you that had a ton of flourine in it. The resulting stress the reaction placed on your shield was too much for your shield generator to handle, shorting it out! Science, glitch!"

LCSM: "You're starting to be more trouble than you're worth! Take THIS!" [Shoots a leg at Sludgehammer]

Sludgehammer: "IT CAN'T BREAK THIS FIST!"

[Sludgehammer raises his fist into the path of the rocket-leg, deflecting it into the sky]

LCSM: "What the-?!"

Herculian: "You do realize that's probably going to hit someone else at some point, right?"

Sludgehammer: "NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! SLEDGEHAMMER PUUUUNCH!"

[Sludgehammer proceeds to ram the mech with his fist with such force that it gets brutally carved in two]

Sludgehammer: "Next time, try thinking ahead before attacking the most amazing person in existance, man"

[Mech explodes in a huge fireball seen throughout the city]

Sludgehammer: "It never really ends well for ya."

Characters

 * Napoleon Eldridge
 * Herculian
 * Laser Cannon Spider Mech

Aliens Used

 * Sludgehammer