Talk:The Surface/@comment-5456782-20170320094619

"She was sitting on a swing when millions of them came out of the sky and began slaughtering." This sounds really ridiculous, no offense. It paints a really funny image of millions of ghosts simultaneously appear in the sky to start instantly slaughtering a bunch of cows and people on the streets. It would probably work better as "She was sitting on a swing when millions of them appeared in the sky. Minutes later, they began to slaughter." or something else that separates their appearance/slaughterfest.

There are some other problems with this paragraph, like "but most were still caught and killed on the spot". I'm pretty sure this is a run-on sentence, and it's confusing to going to talking about those who escaped and then "but most were still caught". Still probably shouldn't be there.

The final sentence of that paragraph needs a comma in it.

With the psycho-FUCKING-pathic ghosts.

Needless F bomb count: 1

--Also, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you've written a magical anti-Ectonurite wall that prevents them from just floating down there or something else into the story. Otherwise, they'd all be dead.-- Nevermind that, I just got to the part of the anti-Ectonurite border. You should probably elaborate that on much further on, like when you're giving the lore/exposition. A line like "Luckily, the survivors managed to build a barrier that would prevent them from infiltrating and killing the rest of us. " would really help.

Also, when was this bunker built? People were being slaughtered by millions of Ectonurites and some scientist was just off in a lab and was like "oh dang guys look I found this magic material".

There's also 7 billion people on the Earth. If 5 billion people were killed in one week, it would take around two weeks for all of Earth to be dead. That's a reasonable, if not favorable for the humans, estimate. This giant underground shelter was constructed and the new science capable of resisting the Ectonurites was researched in that time? Yeah, that's not happening. I'd play around with numbers some more until you get something that doesn't seem like an act of God's interference.

The first thing that I notice about the surface is that the air smells of many different things.

Cool, but what? You have a really great chance to add some imagery and you kind of just dodge away from it, man. List those adjectives!

I'll review more of this when I get home. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm pointing out all of the ways your writing is bad, but it's hard to give feedback unless you're very critical.