User blog:Sci100/Coming Out

Hey guys, it's Sci.

First of all, thank you so much you guys for giving me support on my last blog. I would've liked a little support from a few of my fellow administrators as well, but I'm sure they would have given me the same love and support as you guys have. Honestly, I'm not sure why I've been nervous about telling you guys things. When I wrote my Year of Change blog I was so terrifed to say that, because I didn't know how people would react. What I've failed to realize is that you guys have been so supportive for me this whole time, and that there really wasn't a reason to be scared to tell you guys these things. Now I'm still nervous about doing this, but after the response I got on chat today, I feel like I'm comfortable enough to do this, and to finally be honest about a part of myself. Also just so I can record this, this blog was written between 9:15 and 10:15 on August 22nd, 2015 for me. I just wanted to say that if the blog was recorded to be released on the 23rd, like Wikia likes to do with UTC timezone.

So, Yopo was the person in charge of the Support Group today, and he did a fantastic job by the way. I had been talking to Nick, who had been wanting to talk to me for a while, and I came on chat to see what was going on. Well Ahmad had been about done, and everyone wanted to know if I wanted to talk. Now, I had been the one to suggest the support group, but I had never talked really about my own problems because... I don't know, maybe I'm a hypocrite for that. But I was nervous, because I knew what I would talk about, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not. After some consideration, I decided to tell everyone what was going on. So, I started talking, and this was what I said.

Now, the reason I stopped there, is because I know that I only told maybe ten people on chat today, and I know there's still a lot of other people who don't know. So, I want to be the one to put it out there, and to just tell you that.... I'm gay.

I know you might be confused, shocked maybe even, and you might have different feelings about the matter, but it's okay, I understand this is something difficult to deal with. Hence, why I've been struggling with it myself. Today, I'm going to talk about it a little bit more than what I said on chat, and hopefully give a little advice, and get some love and support in return. Oh also, some of the stuff I'm about to say may be in a book that I may or may not release in the future about my real life self, so if anyone in the future sees this blog and realizes that the book I wrote says the exact same things, it's okay! Don't sue me!

I guess I’ve known for a while that I was different. I knew that I wasn’t quite like everyone else, I wasn’t sure how though. What I didn’t realize at the time was that there’s actually a couple of things that make me different from most people. I won't go into all of them now, but you get the idea. To be clear, I’m not one of those “I’ve known since I was five that I was gay” kind of cases. I didn’t wear high heels and boom, I’m gay. I suppose you could twist the “knowing I was different” part into knowing for a long time that I was gay, but that’s not the case. Knowing you’re different and knowing you’re gay isn’t the same exact thing. I mean, everyone’s different. Some guys like sports, others like Dungeons and Dragons, and so forth. I’ve never understood Dungeons and Dragons, never played it, and never will. I’m not that kind of guy. On the other hand, I’m not a football throwing, soccer ball kicking, and all other sports kind of guy either. My point is, while I may have known that I’m different, it was a long time before I fully knew. Anyway, in Middle School people would ask me if I was dating any girls, and I would say no. Frankly, I wasn't interested in dating at the time, and when I thought about being in a relationship with another girl, no girl stood out as a girl I would want to date. So I just said that I didn't feel ready for it, but when the time was right I would. Now yes, I have been in a relationship with a girl, but it was for a brief time, and it was only because of peer pressure.

So jumping towards early High School, I started realizing that I wasn't interested in girls. But I was also starting to notice something else. In one of my classes, I noticed something about a male classmate of mine that I thought was cute. Then I flipped out, asking why I thought that, if it was just a simple notice, or something more. Eventually, I had a crush on him, and I still do sort of. That was when I really had to question my sexuality, and it started driving me nuts. Over Summer 2014, I had a philsophical kind of crisis, and I was asking myself "What if I'm gay?". It wasn't until September 2014 that I came to the realization that I am gay. After that, I pushed it aside. I denied it. I didn't want that. I tried to focus on what was supposed to be "good attributes" for girls, but instead I would do that for guys. I was ashamed of it, and religion also played a role in my denial. It wasn't until an anxiety attack in February, and it wasn't until my grades got really bad that I had to turn my life around, and start handling this head-on.

In the last few months, I've come out to some in real life friends, my dad and my younger sibling, and now I've come out to you guys. You guys are just as much of friends as my real life friends are, and I care about all of you. The thought that you might hate me for this is horrible and scary. I hope that you all are okay with this, and I hope that this doesn't change anything. I honestly hope that you just are like "Cool man, that's really brave of you, you're still my friend, you're still a good guy, I'm okay with it". However, if there are some who aren't okay with it, look. If you don't believe it's okay, or whatever, okay. I believe people can have whatever beliefs or opinions they want. However, I do expect that our relationship as friends isn't effected by it. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean you can treat me any differently, and I don't want you guys to. I just want you to see me as the Sci you've always known, but now you just know a little bit more.

I can't thank you guys enough for the support and love I've gotten, you guys have helped me in so many ways, and I'm glad to have helped you guys in many ways as well. Also, if you're LGBTQ+ on the wiki, don't make a coming out blog just because I have. Do it on your own time, and on your own terms. Don't rush the process of your own personal journey just because I've done this. Also, this does not mean I'm just going to start having an online relationship or have rainbows all across my userpage, so don't think that. Okay? Please don't get weirded out lol, I'm still the same Sci you know and love. I just happen to like guys. Okay? Ok.

So I hope this explains a little bit more about my last blog regarding my inactiveness. I hope this also helps convince others to tell people they care about what's going on in the Support Group. I hope this relieves some of my stress, and now I can start setting my affairs in order. I can work on Prototype and MURDER, I can begin the process of making a few final changes to the wiki, and overall be a better user for you guys. Thank you guys for your support, I'm proud to have spent many years on here, and I'll be looking forward to my last few months-year here on Ben 10 Fan Fiction. :)