Talk:The Surface/@comment-1824169-20170320144521

>Errors
 * Even though her mind was riddled with difficulties and errors

GRANDMA.EXE SYSTEM ERROR: PLOT NOT FOUND

I can't believe her Grandma read BTFF
 * Grandmother was one of the lucky ones - she survived until last week - when death finally caught up to her in the form of cancer rather than murder.

How would one go about taking revenge on cancer in the first place
 * You might expect my motivation to be avenging her death

No
 * Death is more common than birth, and I don't give a damn to who it happens to anymore.
 * "to who it happens to"

Space out your dialogue ffs
 * “Come on Hannah, do you want to be killed by Sancts?” I tell her. “Have you ever thought about what could be up there?!” “Murderous ghosts, murderous ghosts, oh and murderous ghosts!” “Just for this once?”


 * but Hannah has a way with hacking

Where the hell does she think she's walking in the first place? Why would she do this? Wouldn't it make more sense to stay put until Hannah finds her? This would just make it more difficult for the two to meet up.
 * I pick myself up and start walking, feeling cold for the first time ever. It feels comforting, far from what the Crusaders make it out to be. I continue walking. Still no sign of her. I continue walking. “She’ll… Be… Along…” I continue walking until my body refuses to go any further.

If her legs aren't there what the hell is she feeling?
 * When the light fades, I’m on the ground. I can't feel my legs. I try to touch my legs to make sure the lights didn't burn them off, but they aren't there. Instead I feel metal.

And you were doing so...not well, but at least not as cringe with the dialogue until now.
 * “Yeah, touch the Purple Rain!”

So she just faints before she gets hit apparently lmfao
 * I don't stay conscious long enough to feel the impact.

Okay so overall this was better than I expected, but it still has a lot of issues, many of which I brought up and many of which Sol brought up.

Still, the writing was above-average at points (I especially liked the transition to the teleport hub tbh), and the grammar is adequate. This does have the potential to be pretty good if you refine it enough.