Burn Through The Iron Wall With Your Soul!

Burn Through The Iron Wall With Your Soul! is the fourth episode of Not Applicable.

Episode
[???]: "Hey, careful with those matches, champ!"

The weather had been unusually cold lately. Uncomfortable, certainly, but nowhere near enough to interrupt this father and son's camping trip.

[???]: "Oh, right! Sorry about that!"

The father chuckled. His young son was something of a klutz, but you could tell he was trying.

[???]: "Here, let me show you how to use those."

He took the matchbox and struck a match against it, setting it on fire. He the moved the lit match out towards the kindling in the firepit.

[???]: "See, the trick is to move it towards the kindling slowly, but not so slowly it burns your hand. Here, you give it another try."

He blew out the match and handed the matchbox back to his son. The son eagerly struck another match and tried reaching out to the kindling again, but moved

so slowly that the flame ended up crawling up the match and burning his hand. He yelped and dropped the match, which was promptly put out by his father

stepping on it. The son hung his head down with a depressed look on his face.

[???]: "Sorry, Dad. I blew it again."

The father put his hand on his son's shoulder.

[???]: "Hey, it's just one little match. It's really not a problem."

[???] "It's not about the match, Dad. It's about me not being able to do something this simple. If I can't master something as simple a match, how can I ever be as amazing as I want to be when I grow up?!"

The father got on his knees and looked his son straight in the eyes.

[???]: "Let me tell you something you should remember. This is important."

[???]: "Huh? What is it?"

[???]: "Your soul is like a fire."

The son tilted his head to the side.

[???]: "Huh? What does that mean?"

[???]: "A fire starts out small, right? A tiny little flame in a very large world."

The father struck another match.

[???]: "But, if that fire is cared for properly..."

He reached down and lit the kindling, which slowly started to burn.

[???]: "Little by little..."

The fire kept growing, eventually lighting the firewood itself.

[???]: "It'll grow..."

The fire grew until it fully consumed the firewood, warming the cold air around it.

[???]: "Until it achieves something that might have seemed impossible when it was so small."

The son's eyes lit up.

[???]: "Oh, I get it! If I work on growing the fire of my soul, I can do anything, even if it takes me a little while! Is that what you were telling me, dad?"

His father smiled and ruffled his hair.

[???]: "That's right, champ! You're pretty sharp! Just keep working hard, and you'll be the most amazing person anyone has ever known!"

[???]: "Right, Dad! I'll do just that!"

[???]: "And remember, no matter what, your mother and I will always be there for you..."

"...Napoleon."

--

[Herculian]: "Napoleon! Hey, Napoleon!"

Napoleon jerked up in his seat, snapped out of his memories. Herculean rolled his eyes.

[Herculian]: "Oh, so you can hear me. I was beginning to think you'd gone deaf or something."

[Napolion]: "Not quite. I was just...thinking."

Herculian raised an eyebrow.

[Herculian]: "You okay, there? You don't generally think about...well, you just don't generally think. Is something up?"

Napoleon waved him off.

[Napoleon]: "It's nothing important. Anyways, what is it?"

Herculian sighed.

[Herculian]: "You know, I can tell you're lying, but I suppose it's not really my business. I just thought you should know we'll be landing on Xandross in a

few minutes."

[Napoleon]: "Great! I've been looking forward to this!"

[Herculian]: "You should probably put on an air pack. Xandross' atmosphere can technically sustain a human, but it's a lot thinner than what you would be used to. Your phyical performance would be reduced dramatically."

[Napolion]: "Oh, please! The day I need an air pack to walk around a factory is the day I die! Just who do you think I am, anyways?!"

[Herculian]: "Okay, okay, sorry I mentioned it. At any rate, we're here."

Herculian's ship dove through the gray atmosphere of Xandross, slowing down and eventually coming to a stop on the landing platform of a large building in the sky. He and Napoleon exited the ship almost immediately.

[Napoleon]: "Come on, Herculian! The sooner we get in there, the sooner I can get back to kicking butt!"

[Herculian]: "What are we even here for, anyways? What's got you so excited?"

Napoleon didn't answer him, as he was already inside the building. Herculian sighed and walked after him, pausing to read the text on the glass doors.

[Herculian]: "Optical Division? What on Earth would Napoleon want with-"

Herculian's eyes widened.

[Herculian]: "He's not planning on-"

--

Napoleon walked up to the front desk and slammed his cracked sunglasses down.

"I'd like to recieve an upgrade for these glasses, please!"

The short, wide alien behind the desk looked up, throughly unimpressed.

[Front Desk Alien]: "Do you have an appointment?"

[Napoleon]: "Of course I do!"

[Front Desk Alien]: "First and last name, ple-"

[Napoleon]: "WITH DESTINY'!"

The alien behind the front desk slowly blinked.

[Front Desk Alien]: "First and last name, please."

Herculian walkedt through the doors.

[Herculian]: "Napoleon, what do you think you're-"

Herculian was interrupted by a Cerebrocrustacean in a lab coat skidding into the room from a set of double doors that read 'Employees Only'.

[Cerebrocrustacean]: "Wait! Hold it! Stop!"

Herculian froze in place. Napoleon turned towards the new arrival and raised an eyebrow.

[Napoleon]: "Who are you?"

The Cerebrocrustacean ignored Napoleon and grabbed the sunglasses, examining every inch of ithem.

[Cerebrocrustacean]: "Wait! Hold it! Stop! Is this...? It is! Amazing!"

He turned towards Napoleon.

[Cerebrocrustacean]: "Where did you obtain these sunglasses? Their workmanship is magnificent!"

[Napoleon]: "Well, I-"

[Cerebrocrustacean]: "Wait! Hold it! Stop! Whoever crafted such amazing optical gear must be a genius! These sunglasses have obtained the coveted status of 'ultimate chill'! Such greatness is so rare!"

He whipped a magnifying glass out of one of his lab coat's pockets, then proceeded to examine the cracks running through the sunglasses.

[Cerebrocrustacean]: "Wait! Hold it! Stop! This item of perfection has been broken! I simply cannot let this stand! Zenar, away!"

The Cerebrocrustacean ran back through the 'Empolyees Only' doors, leaving a confused Napoleon and Herculian in his wake. There were a few seconds of silence.

[Napoleon]: "Does...does that usually happen?"

[Front Desk Alien]: "Usually it only happens on Tuesdays, but yes."

[Herculian]: "That was insane."

[Front Desk Alien]: "True, but Proffessor Zenar is something of an obsessive genius when it comes to eyewear. He just can't help himself. I should probably warn you to not be surprised if your sunglasses come back as a chainsaw or something."

[Napoleon]: "Hey, that actually sounds awesome!"

Herculian groaned.

Napoleon suddenly froze. He motioned for Herculian to move to the side, and transformed into Zelusassin.

[Herculian]: "What are you-"

Napoleon held his finger up to wher his mouth would presumably be, and crept forward quietly, keeping his eyes focused on outside the doors. Herculian glanced out the doors and went pale. Two large figures dressed fully in black, excepting a three-pointed symbol sewn onto their chests in bright red were walking towards the building.

[Herculian]: "Th-Th-The Obsidian Death?! What are they doing here?!"

[Front Desk Alien]: "They came earlier than usual."

Herculian turned around to face the alien behind the front desk.

[Herculian]: "Excuse me?!"

[Front Desk Alien]: "They send two representatives each week to collect payment."

[Herculian]: "Payment? What payment?!"

[Front Desk Alien]: "The payment for not destroying the place."

[Herculian]: "Haven't you tried contacting the Plumbers?"

[Front Desk Alien]: "They have our communications network tapped. If we tried, they would know."

Herculian turned towards the poised Napoleon.

[Herculian]: "Napoleon! Don't attack these guys! They're way too much for you to handle!"

The two gang members walked into the building...

...And were promptly tackled out by Napoleon.

[Herculian]: "You...unbelievable...moron!"

The gang members picked themselves up off the ground and turned around to look at Napoleon, who had used the momentum of the tackle to move behind them.

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "Well, well, well. Look what we have here.

[Obsidian Death Member 2]: "Certainly don't see many Reduvidae outside of Hemiterra. Why are you here, anyways?"

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "Were you hired to take us out by the cowards owning this factory?"

Napoleon turned around to face them, keeping his eyes closed.

[Napoleon]: "Of course not! Just who do you think I am?!"

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "Huh?"

Napoleon thrust his right arm into the sky.

[Napoleon]: "I'm Napoleon Eldridge! The mere mention of my ultimate greatness sends fear into the hearts of all the evildoers in the universe!"

He thrust his arm down to point at the gang members and opened his eyes.

[Napoleon]: "Quite frankly, you guys are toast."

The two gang members simply stared at Napoleon for a few seconds, then burst out laughing.

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "You really think that a puny little Reduvidae can beat us?"

[Obsidian Death Member 2]: "It's highly unlikely that you'll even survive this encounter."

Napoleon responded by rushing forward at them, blades extended.

[Napoleon]: "Oh, please! Just who do you think-"

Napoleon was rather suddenly interrupted by a heavy punch to the gut. The force of the strike blasted apart the transformation, sending Napoleon careening into the wall of the factory in human form. He got up somewhat slowly.

[Napoleon]: "Okay...new plan..."

Napoleon transformed into Carbon, and formed his right arm into a spiked club. He ran at the gang members again, and managed to land a few strikes before being knocked away. One of the gang members pulled a gun out of his holster and shot a large laser at Napoleon, forming a large hole through his chest, causing him to turn back into a human.

[Napoleon]: "Okay, are you serious?! How does a form break apart that easily?! Let's try something different then!"

Napoleon transformed into Batdrill and started drilling towards them again. Herculean, meanwhile, was watching all this happen with a half annoyed, half incredulous look on his face.

[Herculean]: "That idiot! He doesn't even realize that if Swarm 1 didn't cover for the injuries he's been dealt, he would be dead multiple times over by now!

Napoleon had been knocked back and shot through again by the gang members, and was currently laying facedown on the ground. He got back up, very clearly struggling with each movement.

[Napoleon]: 'This is bad...I can't defeat them, can I? There's just...not enough space to work with. I have to attack them straight on, but they can just knock me back every time...I guess...I'm just about done for...'

The gang members had started advancing towards Napoleon.

[Napoleon]: 'But still...I have to try...I know I can't win...but I can at least survive...'

Napoleon raised his right arm weakly into the air.

[Napoleon]: "Transformation...GO!"

Nothing happened.

Napoleon's eyes widened.

[Napoleon]: "I said...Transformation, GO!"

Nothing happened.

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "Well, well, well, looks like this won't take as long I thought."

He pulled out his gun and aimed it at Napoleon.

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "Don't mess with the Obsidian Death."

He pulled the trigger, but the shot was interrupted by a reflective metal shield appearing in front of Napoleon. The shield shifted back into Herculean, who promptly formed his hands into two more shields.

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "You little rat!"

Both gang members started punching towards Herculean, who managed to deflect each of their blows.

[Herculean]: "Napoleon! Stop messing around and transform already! Iron Wrecker might come in handy here!

[Napoleon]: "I'm trying! The Swiss-ArmyTrix isn't working!"

[Herculean]: "First off, it's called Swarm 1. Second, what do you mean it isn't working?!"

[Napoeleon]: "I mean it's not working! It's not responding to any of my commands!"

[Herculean]: "Oh, well, that's just great. It's not like I needed it working for any reason. Great job there, Napoleon."

[Napoleon]: "Oh, now it's my fault? It's not like you know how this thing works any more than I do!"

[Herculean]: "Well, even if it isn't working right now, you should at least try to do something!"

[Napoleon]: "Are you kidding me?! I may be an amazing human, but the thing is, and I don't know if you've noticed this, but humans DON'T HAVE ANY POWERS! I can't do anything!"

[Herculean]: "Oh, that's bull and you know it! What's your deal, anyway?! The Napoleon I know would be headbutting them in the face or something! Buck up, get over it, and help me out, because quite frankly the only way you could be helpful in your current condition is if I lit your hair on fire and threw you as a projectile!"

Suddenly, one of the gang member's punches managed to dodge the shields and hit Herculean upside the head, sending him flying back. One of them raised their fist over Napoleon.

[Obsidian Death Member 2]: "Say goodbye, runt!"

The gang member's fist came crashing down...

...Only to be intercepted by Napoleon's own fist.

[Obsidian Death Member 2]: "Gah! What the-?!"

Napoleon reeled back and punched the gang member, sending him flying into the other one and knocking them back a few feet. Napoleon raised his head to reveal his eyes had taken on a slight purple tint.

[Napoleon]: "Goodbye?! As if! Just who do you think I am?!"

The gang members stepped back.

[Obsidian Death Member 1]: "What are you, anyways?! No normal human has that kind of strength!"

[Napoleon]: "I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm far from 'normal'!"

[Herculean]: "No kidding..."

[Napoleon]: "I'm Napoleon Eldridge! The fire burning in my soul scorches through any possible obstacle that comes my way!"

The Cereberocrustacean scientest suddenly rushed out of the building holding Napoleon's sunglasses.

[Prof. Zenar]: "Wait! Hold it! Stop! Quickly, human! Catch!"

He hurled the sunglasses towards Napoleon, who grabbed them without even looking. He immediately shifted to hold them by one of their corners.

[Napoleon]: "Let's see you intercept this!"

Napoleon flicked the sunglasses, seperating them into two thinner versions of the whole pair. He threw them with a curve that sent them spinning at the gang members, growing to about five feet across each as they flew. They eahc hit one of the gang members, knocking them backwards and dazing them.

[Obsidian Death Member 2]: "Could someone stop the platform, please? I wanna get off!"

The sunglasses flew back to Napoleon, returning to their regular size and fusing back into a signle piece. He grabbed them out of the air and slammed them onto his face.

[Napoleon]: "Let's finish this! Mega Sword, GO!"

Swarm 1 materialized it's flaming sword around Napoleon's arm. The sword shot out to twenty feet long, and beacme wreathed in even more intense flames.

[Napoleon]: "Say goodbye, huh?"

He started running towards the gang members, bringing his sword around in a wide arc.

[Napoleon]: "Well then, if you insist..."

He swung the sword forward.

[Napoleon]: "...Goodbye!"

The sword struck the gang members and their vehicle behind them, slicing the vehicle in half and sending them flying.

-

Napoleon dissipated the sword and walked back over to the building.

[Napoleon]: "Hey, proffessor! Those are some pretty impressive upgrades you made on the sunglasses! How much do I owe ya?

[Prof. Zenar]: "Oh, nothing at all! You fended off those goons, and since I...doubt they'll be any trouble for a while, I think it's fairly safe to contact the Plumbers about this whole situation."

[Napoleon]: "Sounds good. Hey, Herculean! You about ready to go? I want to see if we can find those other Zenturi that purple guy was talking about."

Herculean slammed his hand over his face in disbelief.

[Herculean]: "You mean the ONLY thing you meant be 'being ready' for the next Zenturi was getting your sunglasses repaired?!"

[Napoleon]: "Of course! You can't fight nearly as effectively if you're wearing cracked glasses! Now let's go!"

Herculean groaned and followed Napoleon back to their ship. Before entering, he shook his head.

[Herculean]: "I just know this isn't going to end well."

A rather frighteed alien entered a dark room. The boss wasn't going to be happy about this at all, and when the boss wasn't happy, people tended to die.

He slowly walked up the small pathway that lead to the boss's chair, which was currently turned away from the entrance, He nervously cleared his throat. There was a long silence.

[???]: "Speak."

[Messenger]: "Well, sir, our, uh, well, you see, the, well-"

[???]: "I believe I told you to speak, not mutter nonsense."

[Messenger]: "Right! Um, see, the team assigned to quadrant 13 were, well, killed on Encalophus IV."

There was another silence.

[???]: "By what?"

[Messenger]: "Well, um, the existing footage seems to indicate they were killed by being hurled off of the landing platform of a sky factory."

[???]: "Hurled off...by what?"

[Messenger]: "Well, sir, it appears that it was a human, identifying himself by the name of Napoleon Eldridge."

The chair turned around to face the messenger, revealing a huge figure cloaked in darkness.

[???]: "Set out a bounty for this Napoleon Eldridge. Immediately."

[Messenger]: "Right away, sir! For how much?"

[???]: "For as much as is needed. Leave."

The messenger ran out of the room as quickly as possible, closing the door behind him. The large figure turned back around.

[???]: "A regular human taking out two of my top agents...Impossible. There must be some other factor."

"One that must be crushed immediately."

Characters

 * Napoleon Eldridge
 * Herculean
 * Front Desk Alien
 * Proffessor Zenar
 * Obsidian Death Grunts
 * Obsidian Death Messenger
 * Obsidian Death Leader

Aliens Used

 * Zelusassin
 * Carbon (First Appearance)
 * Batdrill