User blog:ZeVikingSif/The Return: Some Words From Me

Hello. It's been a while, a very long while. I'm not gonna jerk around with this post, i'd like to keep it direct and focused. I don't think i can bring myself to call this an apology blog but i guess you can consider it one.

First of all, i want to personally thank the people who have been there over the months. Ahmad, Brian, Street, Mig, Alan and many more for being there when i didn't have much else. And i want to thank the people who did support my coming back. I was obviously very limited and i couldn't necessarily write down any reason on why i should return but almost everyone who did support didn't have much to go on. I wrote the entire message you'll see below a month or so ago and so i'll finally post it. It's sincere, i can guarantee it.

In a way, i'm sort of glad i didn't come back around January, February or even most of March. Had one of you done the "right" thing and tried to give me another chance, i'd never have changed. Everything everyone has probably ever said about me has been true. Greedy, jerk, the worst possible person, devil incarnate, i was all of those things.

I guess we can start around August or September. I had everything around then. I had peak popularity, i had the best friends the world could have ever given me, i had a fantastic series that was hyped up, my IRL was going good. We can start at Mig's promotion to chatmod. You'd expect his best friend to be supportive and happy, but i was angry. Angry that me, the person who was there longer, who was constantly active, who was popular didn't get promoted. But fine, i had all those other things except promotion status. And yet, despite all the things i did have, I still wanted more.

I joined other communities and when it came to BTFF, whoever tried to outdo me, i usually competed with. But not only this, I had completely abandoned my friends due to my busy schedule i set out for myself. There were crucial moments in Mig and Alan's lives, who needed the support of their friend whom they looked up to and i completely abandoned them. In fact, no, i didn't abandon them. I used them. Mig was gaining popularity and i used my own best friend to try and gain more popularity for myself.

When my friends needed me most, I was off trying to gain popularity on chat or going to other communities to try and gain popularity/meeting my new "friends" (most didn't work out). So, yes, i was evil. I was greedy, I used my friends, I exploited every opportunity. Every opportunity there was to exploit, i exploited it. People who looked up to me, i spat in their faces. When i would have a normal conversation with say, Mig, i'd usually ignore some of his links and his topics to just talk about me and what i wanted to talk about. Same with Alan.

And let's not mention the others. Toon, Jack, Sci, TJ. I yelled at them, in fact it could be considered labor, i had constantly yelled at them to have schedules and make the most perfect thing they could, which they did, but at what cost? October and November weren't better off either, Mig's IRL situation became terrible and yet i still exploited him and abused him, Alan was also having his problems and instead of helping him, I just wanted to talk about my show or something else.

I abused the trust of Sci when it came to Prototype and i ridiculed Jack for practically no reason. I lost the trust of Yopo, I lost the trust of Ulti, I lost the trust of Sub. And i let everyone down. I could never really tell you why because i don't know. I became the worst possible version of me. The person who wanted it his way, the person who wanted it all, the person who would use any means to get what he wants. The disloyal one. And i got away with it because of two words: "I'm sorry.".

Late December - January was the worst time to be alive for me. For starters, my relationship with Mig and Alan was a ticking time bomb. It was only a matter of time before another fight and i think they knew i was a nuissance and the problem but were too scared to confront me. Around the halfway point, my crush had rejected me after i told her my feelings. You can imagine how that went. Then only a few days later, my dad, my uncle, my father figure, he passed away a day before my mother's birthday.

Not only was i upset, my whole family was in the worst condition i had ever seen. So many people in 1 room and so much despair and sorrow. It broke me. Not only this, i was away from home, i didn't feel very comfortable. Only 1 week later, on new years, i find out i've been permanently banned. Mig just wanted 2016 to be great and instead of respecting his wishes, I fought him. I told and begged and pleaded with him to get me unbanned. I insulted him, i genuinely made him upset.

I told him i was sorry and i'll leave him alone by the end of but the very next day, I had woken up to death threats. People calling me the devil incarnate, the worst person ever. People had essentially said in my personal messages that i should've died instead of Mig because i deserved to. I was the bully. The bad guy. I was a murderer. I had spent hours believing that i had murdered Mig. I had lost my friends, I had let down everyone i knew. I had lost my father, I had seen my family crumble, I had my heart broken and now i was a murderer.

Mig didn't die, but was severely heartbroken. From there, we made our "amends". I was the most hated man on BTFF. But despite all of this. Despite it all. I didn't know what i did wrong. I claimed to know what i did wrong, but i truly never did. I thought i was innocent. For 3 months, i thought i genuinely was innocent. But that all changed within late March.

I missed my best friends in life. I had went back to old messages to see where i went wrong and it turns out, i didn't have to check that far. What i had seen during our normal conversations was me dismissing Migs posts, his jokes, his links, his general words and talked about me solely. I went back further and i went back in general and what i had seen was truly horrifying. I was a horrible person. "I'm sorry" is how i got away with all of it, but my actions told otherwise. I abused, I abandoned, I dismissed, I hurt, I exploited, I let down, I destroyed. I truly was evil.

And you know what, I cried. I cried every night for either 5 minutes or hours. I found distractions but i was not at my peak. On May 9th, I had found an old friend in need. Depressed and without much help, I went to him anyway. Even if he wasn't on the best terms with me, he was in need. Mig. I helped him. From there, things worked themselves out. I had realized my wrongs and my goal from then on was not even to try and better myself, it was to help Mig. And when Alan was in need over a month ago, it was the same exact thing. I wanted to help him.

Mig and Alan are the two best friends i've ever had and probably will ever have and I hope to be there for them this time. But not only them, but you guys too. Like CaT, I hired him for a show because i knew he'd be popular and i also knew he was a great writer. Thankfully, me being banned was the best thing for him. This isn't an apology, i can't bring myself to say sorry again. But what i will say is this, for whoever needs help, i'm here. I won't abandon anyone. I will try my best to become better than what i was before.

That's a promise.