Humans? What Humans?

Humans? What Humans? is the second epsiode of Not Applicable.

Script
[OPENING SHOT]

There was a river running through a jungle. The trees were an odd shade of teal, their leaves being an unnaturally bright lime. The river was almost solid pink, supplemented with minor brown patches.

[Napoleon]: "Hey, Herculian? Next time you're going to make an emergency landing, it would be nice if you could warn me to some extent."

Napoleon and Herulican climbed out of the murky river and flopped down on the river bank.

[Herculian]: "Okay, two things: first of all, how would I warn you about an emergency landing? It's not like I planned it. Second, there wouldn't have been a need for a landing at all if SOMEONE hadn't taken my ship for a joyride!"

[Napoleon]: "In my defense, I totally thought the planet would be made out of cake."

[Herculian]: "Why?! Why would you think a planet called Crestalim would be made out of cake?! Why would any planet be made out of cake?!"

[Napoleon]: "Because it's name sounds like 'crustulam', the Latin word for cake."

Herculian narrowed his eyes.

[Herculian]: "How is it that you can remember the word for 'cake' in a dead language, then immediately assume that an entire planet is made out of the stuff just because it sounds similar?"

[Napoleon]: "Hey, cut me some slack. I don't think very well when I'm hungry."

[Herculian]: "Entire planet. CAKE."

[Napoleon]: "I was really hungry."

[Herculian]: "You make food using Swarm 1 every day. How could that possibly slip your mind?!"

[Napoleon]: "I refer you to my above statement."

Herculian rolled his eyes and clambered to his feet to survey their surroundings. Nothing but trees as far as the eye could see, not that that was very far anyways, considering the thick layer of fog that surrounded them, accompanied by a sudden drop in temperature.

Wait, what?

[Herculian]: "Where did this fog come from? It wasn't here a few seconds ago."

[Napoleon]: "Eh, alien planet. Crazy weather patterns. Who knows? Either way, it's probably nothing sinister."

Suddenly, a deep, hoarse voice came out of the fog, sounding as if it was coming from all directions at once.

[Deep Voice]: "Humans..."

Another voice came out of the fog, sounding rather similar to the one before it, but with a slightly deeper pitch.

[Deep Voice 2]: "We can smell humans..."

Herculian glanced down at Napoleon, who was starting to get goosebumps at this point. He raised an eyebrow.

[Napoleon]: "Weeell...You can't really prove that it's anything sinister..."

[Deep Voice 2]: "Nah, we're totally going to eat your face, bro."

[Napoleon]: "I stand corrected. Perhaps we should, as they say, skedaddle."

[Herculian]: "Gee, you think?"

[Napoleon]: "Occasionally. Let's go!"

Napoleon started running away from the riverbank, only to be stopped by running face-first into an invisible wall.

[Napoleon]: "What is this, a video game? I don't even have the book or the movie yet!"

[Deep Voice 1]: "We have you surrounded! Give up now and accept your fate of being an appetizer!"

[Napoleon]: "NEVER! When your enemies have you surrounded at all sides, the only way to go is UP! Transformation, GO!"

Napoleon threw his sunglasses up into the air and became enveloped in a white glow that twisted and turned until reaching it's final shape. The white glow dispersed, as Napoleon grabbed his sunglasses out of the air, sticking them on his forehead.

Napoleon now stood a few feet taller, and was shaped similarly to a shark, colored in black and dark blue. His eyes had changed from their normal lime green color to a sky blue, and had become much flatter and more pointed. His legs were heavyset and bent awkwardly, whereas his arms had become longer and thinner, his hands being replaced with scythes.

[Napoleon]: "So, creeps, can you smell a human NOW? Because now you're not up against a human! You're up against the warrior of the deep, SHARKTANK!"

While Napoleon had been shouting, Herculian had turned his left arm into a set of rockets, and was currently hanging in mid-air.

[Herculian]: "So, are you just going to keep yelling at them, or are you going to actually escape?"

[Sharktank]: "You know, on second thought, I could probably take them. Just head back to the ship without me. I'll take care of these clowns!"

[Herculian]: "You can't be serious. You don't even know where they are!"

[Sharktank]: "Don't think I can do it, huh? Well, now I'm inclined to do it just to prove you wrong! GO! WATER BOOOMB!"

[Herculian]: "Fine, I'll be right back. Idiot."

Sharktank leaped up into the air, using his powers to draw water from the river up around him, using the stream to keep gaining altitude, until he was completely surrounded with enough water to fill a large pool. Then, he let himself drop.

Sharktank hit the ground, sending a shockwave that, combined with his water control, crashed through the invisible wall, revealing a series of field generators, along with a fog machine and a surround sound system, all of which were now shorted out and knocked aside by the torrent of water.

Said torrent also managed to knock over a couple of beings that seemed to be little more than huge heads with sharp, exposed teeth and triangular eyes.

[Sharktank]: "Okay, usually I won't rag on people for this, but considering that you seem to be trying to eat me, I have no qualms with saying this: you two are as ugly as sin."

The two heads uprighted themselves, each looking rather indignant. One was a dusty shade of orange, the other a somewhat tacky shade of green.

[Head 1]: "Of course we are, you fool! That's why we need to eat you! We can only grow our full bodies upon consuming enough sustenance!"

[Sharktank]: "So, is eating humans mandatory for that? Because if it is, that is, like, the least effective way to grow I've ever heard of, considering where you live."

[Head 2]: "Of course not! Humans are simply a rare delicacy, that's all."

[Head 1]: "They don't even taste good."

[Head 2]: "We mostly just eat them for bragging rights, to be honest."

[Head 1]: "Once we manage to eat you and your friend and pilot our way to Earth, though, we can feast like nobody's business!"

[Head 2]: "Yeah! I heard there are over 7 Billion of them now!"

[Sharktank]: "You do realize that that is a horribly thought out plan, right? Aside from that, there are only like 15 people I would let you eat. Maybe 16 if you included that guy from the bus stop the other day, but that might be pushing it a bit too far."

[Heads 1 & 2]: "Enough talk! LET'S EAT!"

[Sharktank]: "SHARK SLAAAAASH!"

Both heads started racing towards Sharktank at astoundingly high speeds. Sharktank crossed his arms into a slashing position, and raised a stream of water around himself, jetting him forward with an equally astounding speed. Sharktank deflected the head's teeth with his scythes, then jumped up into the air while the heads whipped around for a second go.

The heads lunged in unison again, this time shooting out sticky projectiles that could stop just about anything in it's tracks. Sharktank deflected as many shots as possible with water jets, but a few eventually got through and stuck his arms together, making it impossible for him to raise his scythes.

[Heads 1 & 2]: "We have you now!"

The heads shot themselves at Sharktank, intending to land the finishing blow. Suddenly, a huge blade dropped from the sky between the heads and Sharktank, forcing the heads to crash into it with such force, it smashed their teeth to bits. The heads reeled back, more out of disbelief than pain. The sword turned blue and shifted it's shape around until it revealed Herculian, looking quite a bit more than just a little ticked.

[Herculian]: "You can take 'em, huh? Great job handling the situation there! Gee, it's almost like you don't need my help at all!"

[Sharktank]: "Point taken already, okay? Could you just help me out of this sticky whatever so I can kick their non-existant rear ends?"

[Herculian]: "Just use your water control. If I tried to seperate your arms without some solvent, you'd probably lose them."

[Sharktank]: "Eh, fair enough. FINAL MOVE!"

[Herculian]: "Could you not do that next to my head, please?"

[Sharktank]: "STOOOORM DRAAAIIIINN!!!"

Suddenly, the river next to where they were fighting seemed to spring to life, raising itself up into a humongous water spout, aimed directly at the heads.

[Head 1]: "Hey, do you think we may have screwed up here, dude?"

[Head 2]: "Oh, most definitely."

In the blink of an eye, hundreds of gallons of water slammed into the heads, slamming them into the ground with such force, they created a huge hole as they were pushed further and further down into the earth. This continued for about half a minute, at which point Shyarktank decided to call it quits.

[Sharktank]: "Man, those guys had no idea what they were doing. Good thing I'm so amazing at battle strategy, right Herculian?"

Herculian simply glared.

[Napoleon]: "What?"

Characters

 * Napoleon Eldridge
 * Herculian
 * Giant Head Aliens

Aliens Used

 * Sharktank