Talk:The Weird Watch From Outer Space/@comment-5101200-20170319073754

" A normal 14 year old boy finds a alien device that allows him to transform into 10 different aliens. " Already starting off the episode with a great and original take on this idea Sentences look like run ons because no spaces are between them.

The actions of characters are written in a similar fashion to the dialogue, rather than having parenthesis or brackets around them paired with something like italics.

" finding this odd he cautiously moved over to the light where a crater was formed with the green light and smoke emerging from it. " Just nonchalantly finding a crater, that's how it works.

" Javon:Dang what he heck is this a crashed satellite? " Dialogue taken directly from the original series

" Ow...Man what is this thing a watch from space? " More dialogue taken directly from the original series. If it was one small line as a nice little nod or allusion to it, it'd be fine, but that's not what this is.

" Shocksquatch:AHHH!what am I?(Holds up hands then they start sparking)Okay lets try this! " This is faster than the real Ben figuring out how to use Shocksquatch, which was already a pretty hastily done moment as is, and this makes it even more hastily done. He's not as obvious as someone like Heatblast when it comes to what we can do.

" Shocksquatch:This is awesome!But I don't wanna stay this...um Shocksquatch forever. " And I thought the naming of Eatle in A10 was forced... not to mention this feels oddly similar to "I don't wanna stay fire guy forever" which puts this as the third original series dialogue line used... and third from the same episode as well.

" Shocksquatch shoots a bolt of electricty at a tree which knocks down the tree much to Shocksquatch's well...shock. " Informal writing used in action writing where there doesn't seem to be a fourth wall breaking character causing said informal writing in action writing.

 " It was a UFO shaped robot floating in the air with two tiny metal arms sticking out of it's sides. " My main problem with this actually isn't the fact it's clearly a UFO shaped robot that Vilgax would use... my main problem is there's no explanation for it. Ever. At all. There's nothing saying Vilgax sent it, nothing saying some other villain sent it, it's just kind of there without any explanation or hints and feels like it's just there to be there.

" The robot fires another laser at a tree making it fall right on Javon. " Obviously not a big tree seeing as how Javon clearly is still alive, and doesn't seem to have any horrendous injuries at all and is still able to transform, but that just makes it seem like a forced (and not well done) trap instead of something actually hindering him from doing anything.

" Okay so I'm like a..Wildvine! " This makes the aforementioned naming moments feel as natural as bodily functions.

" Wildvine jumps up and extends his arm at the robot. " Gee with as quick as he's naming these guys and figuring out their powers you'd think he's got the UAF trix.

" Wildvine reached for his back and grabbed the seeds. " See above.

" Mom(Suspicious): " I understand what you were trying to say, but the way this is laid out makes it seem like the mom is acting suspicious rather than thinking Javon is acting suspicious.

" Oh no those people are in trouble because of me. " Another time where the original dialogue (from the same episode) is used here.

The line I just talked about and the line said right after it are on two separate lines with nothing warranting the split.

" Hey ugly I'm the one you want,or more importantly this! " Literally nothing is said to warrant the idea of the robot wanting the trix. At all. The closest thing is the robot's vision focusing on the trix but I highly doubt Javon can tell where exactly the robot is looking, especially if these are Vilgax robots because those things don't have moving pupils.

" He turned the dial and saw a new one. " I suppose it makes about as much sense as any other time the hero decides to turn into a new alien during a time they should go with something they know.

" (Shoots arm at a car that the car smashes)Uh that will buffer right out. " Double sin: Character automatically knows the powers of the alien despite this being the first time he goes him, and Ben 10 dialogue used in it. At least the dialogue wasn't from the same episode this time. Not even the same series, thankfully. I know it's a p common phrase but considering how many other Ben 10 quotes were used here...

" Bloxx smashed off one of the Robot's legs forcing it to stumble backwards. " Jesus how strong and fast is this Bloxx that he did something Diamondhead couldn't pull off

" The bigger they are the harder they fall! " Another common phrase used by Ben the first time he went Cannonbolt.

"The end." No resolution or foreshadowing to future events, not to mention the plot was pretty much the same thing as And Then There Were 10 without the final scene.

Sin counter: 23

The main problems I noticed were grammar, pacing, and originality. I can look past grammar for the most part because I don't want to assume English is your native tongue.

The other two however...

Little to nothing really felt natural in terms of pacing. As I said, Javon kind of instantly figures out every alien's ability. Shocksquatch and Wildvine aren't obvious in terms of powers, and neither is Bloxx, but Bloxx's design implies a bit more about his powers than Shocksquatch or Wildvine. Even with the plot basically being that of And Then There Were 10, it felt all over the place cause the pacing was off.

Speaking of plot... I will readily admit it's a bit challenging to make a start to a series about someone with a trix and it not be similar to that of the original series. The best way to do it is to think of the plot of And Then There Were 10... and just do stuff that isn't similar to it.

So I think going forward, you should try to work on grammar, making the episodes longer and feel more natural, and if you've got a plot similar to a Ben 10 episode, try to make the end product as little like the Ben 10 episode as possible.