Board Thread:Series Discussion/@comment-27794032-20160329230014/@comment-24922135-20160329235129

In terms of writing I would say that your story should not be written in future tense. It should be written in present tense as though the events are happening as we read them and not afterwards.

so instead of " The car would stop " it would be "The car stopped"

instead of " They'd enter " it would be "They entered"

Another thing I noticed is you seem to get 'your and you're' as well as 'there, their, and they're ' confused. To clarify: 'your' is if something belongs to you, it is yours. You're is when it is shortened from 'you are'. For example "you're an alien?". There is when talking about location "it's over there.". Their is when talking about belongings "I'm wearing their shirt". And last but not least, They're is a shortened version of 'They are'. For example: "They're over there".

Other than the grammar problems, I would say that your story was a valiant first effort. Whilst short, I could see the events happening within the Ben 10 universe. My only gripes in terms of the story telling would be A) it is too short even for the few events that happen and, and B) it would be worth spending a little more time letting the reader get used to the new characters. That isn't a problem for Max and Rook, but for characters like Ayden and Mani we don't yet know anything about them in terms of history OR personality. Have them talk with each other and interact more.

I look forward to reading your second episode, as I did enjoy the first. On another note- the fact you called Ayden's first transformation a 'Vaxasuarian' instead of immediately naming him was a nice detail that could have easily been overlooked. I like when people wait for the character to name a form instead of just outright giving the name in the writing.